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I got a totally shattered girlfriend for a 2 hour meal before she went back home to her parents, not sure if i should be pleased she’d drive 2 1/2 hours up here for me and then back the same night or worried that she couldn’t book the time off work to stop over :(
I refused to get my girlfriend a Valentine’s Day present as, by doing so, I would have reduced our profound, emotionally and intellectually-satisfying relationship to a picture of Mills And Boon vulgarity, a shallow prop which needs to be supported by a forced exchange of material goods (with love hearts on them).
Also, I’m a plebeian and I don’t have a job.
Also, I don’t have a girlfriend (but I do watch a woman’s window at night). <br>
Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him. That would be a ‘tragedy’. "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I’m afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That’s what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand…<br>In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That’s right.
And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a fu**ing accident either."
A job advertised in a shop window, read.
liberal, tree hugging, vegetarian, civil servant wanted.
Must be, errrr.. Whatever!
<br>Only persons with an "N" and a "V" in their name must apply.
Remember when we had fun?;)
I went to the doctors the other day as I was feeling totally stressed out.
He said to me: ‘Hmm..it’s always a problem; do you have any hobbies?’
‘Well not really’, I said ‘I sometimes contribute to TRF but that just makes me feel worse’.
‘I understand’ he replied. ‘Actually as a busy GP I used to get totally stressed out. But I discovered a fantastic new hobby which relieved everything.’
‘Really?’ I said. I was intrigued. ‘Tell me more’.
‘Well,’ he said ‘I took up bee-keeping!’
I was impressed. ‘That sounds great. I presume you have lots of hives in the garden then?’
‘I did’, he replied ‘but to be honest it was actually a pain in the backside. Every time I sat outside with a glass of wine or to read the paper, the buggers kept buzzing around and stinging me. Mind, I soon solved the problem….’
‘What did you do?’
‘Well, I moved them all into the house.’
‘Didn’t that make things worse,’ I asked. ‘I mean, surely they annoyed you whilst you were watching telly or having dinner?’
‘Well they did to be honest. But I sorted that out by moving them into the airing cupboard.’
‘The airing cupboard!!’ I exclaimed. ‘But surely they went mental every time you tried to take a towel out?’
‘God yes’, he replied ‘Total nightmare. But I soon got that sorted as well. I put them all in an airtight pickling jar and sealed the top with duct tape’
‘What!?’ I said. ‘So all your bees are in an airtight pickling jar which is sealed with duct tape, inside your airing cupboard, which is inside your house??’
‘Yep’ he nodded.
‘Well don’t they all die?’ I asked.
‘Look’, he said in an annoyed tone, ‘it’s only a ******* hobby…’
Hello Gorgeous!,
not the greatest, but good enough
congratulatons on your weight loss. Keep away from doughnuts
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees the HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, " 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown. The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him. "What’s wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice, the little guys says. "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"The big guy says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!"
I went in to a pub and ordered 5 shots of Vodka at the same time.
I lined them up on the bar and drank the 1st one, the 3rd one and the 5th one. I said thank you to the barman and went to walk out.
"But you’ve left two drinks sir", he kindly told me.
"I know", I said, "I have a drink problem, and my doctor said I’m only allowed the odd drink"
Mike
loooooooooooooooooool!!!! – steveh….10/10
betlarge: 8/10
Mikky: ooh, a rather poor 6 I’m afraid…
please do better next time..this concludes the results of the Ugly Mare jury..
loooooooooooooooooool!!!! – steveh….10/10
betlarge: 8/10
Mikky: ooh, a rather poor 6 I’m afraid…
please do better next time..this concludes the results of the Ugly Mare jury..
Shocking decision UM, I’m already thinking about asking for a different judging panel
.Mike
ps: This bald cat tries to get on the bus without paying, but the conductor stops him and informs him he hasn’t paid. "Sorry", said the bald cat, "I’ve got no fayre"
"Well if you have no fayre then you can’t get on the bus", says the conductor. The cat replies "I don’t need any fayre, I have a puss pass"
Now if you mark that less than10 Ugly Mare then it’s obvious you only like penis jokes
[deleted]
there…that’s better…I don’t know what came over me
great joke Mikky – tell us another
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