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…I’m horrified!
perhaps one day you’ll tell me this gag hopper, if it indeed exists. I’m sure you’ll be guaranteed
a chuckle
UM, I should warn you (and anyone else reading this) that the strike-rate for this gag is about 10-15%. It may also not translate well to text, but feck it, here goes:
Picture the scene.
It’s a picture-postcard Christmas morning. The snow lies deep and crisp and even in the streets of a sleepy little hamlet.
Our hero (lets call him stevedvg, for arguments sake) lives alone, in a beautiful cottage on the main street of the village. At 7am sharp, he wakes with a spring in his step and a song in his heart. He opens the curtains, and the beauty of the scene which greets him, makes him catch his breath.
There has never been a more beautiful Christmas morning than this.
After pottering around for several hours, stevedvg finishes preparing his Christmas dinner. Although he enjoys his solitude, Christmas is the one day of the year, when company is always welcome. However, being an orphan, he knows that this Christmas, like all the rest he can remember, will be marginally tinged with sadness, and perhaps a little loneliness.
Nevertheless, stevedvg, as always, refuses to let this spoil his enjoyment of the day, and he finds himself most ravenous and full of seasonal good-cheer, as he sets out his dinner.
After watching the Queens Speech, our hero settles down to commence troughing his seasonal feast, when – all of a sudden – there is a knock at his front door.
“Who could it be?” stevedvg wonders to himself, as he puts down his cutlery, and makes his way to the front door.
Upon opening the door, he finds to his surprise, that there is no-one there at all. He peers up and down the main street, but there is nary a soul to be seen.
“Some young rascals playing a game, I expect”, he chuckles to himself, and he prepares to retire to his dining room.
Suddenly, just as he is about to close the door, he hears a voice say “Mister, mister, please….down here!”. He turns, looks down, and there…..nestled in the snow on his doorstep is a snail.
“My stars”, says our hero “A talking snail, on this of all days? What can I do for you, Mr Snail?”
“Thank Heavens” says the snail “I’ve been slithering around out here for hours. Is there any chance you can show me some Christmas cheer?”
Somewhat nonplussed, our hero asks “I beg your pardon?”
“I’ll be no trouble” the snail replies “I only want a crumb from your Christmas cake, and a warm by your fire, and then I’ll be on my way”
Our hero considers this for a moment, and then says “Fu*ck off pal” and throws the snail as far down the street as he can. He then retires to his dining room, and enjoys the rest of his Christmas.
A year passes, and stevedvg never once thinks of the talking snail.
The following Christmas is much the same as the previous year – picture perfect in every way. Stevedvg has again prepared a delicious dinner of turkey and all the trimmings, and is just about to settle down to it, when he hears a knock at the door.
“Who could it be?” stevedvg wonders to himself, as he puts down his cutlery, and makes his way to the front door.
Upon opening the door, he finds to his surprise, that there is no-one there at all. He peers up and down the main street, but there is nary a soul to be seen.
“Some young rascals playing a game, I expect”, he chuckles to himself, and he prepares to retire to his dining room.
Suddenly, just as he is about to close the door, he hears a voice say “Mister, mister, please….down here!”. He turns, looks down, and there…..nestled in the snow on his doorstep once more, is the talking Christmas snail.
He looks disbelievingly at the snail, and says “You again!! What is it this time??”
And the snail replies……”What the fu*ck was that for?”
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooll!!!!!! boom boom……………….
I rarely use American terms but I think the ‘ROFLMAO’ is how I am right now…….thank you I shall go to bed with a smile on my face, and one in the morning if I’m lucky
Glad you enoyed it, UM.
I wasn’t kidding about the Strike Rate either…………..most people I tell that gag to, have the look of a dog thats just been shown a card-trick
[deleted]
there…that’s better…I don’t know what came over me
great joke Mikky – tell us another
Just got home, but I would love to know what you deleted
Will tell you some more tomorrow
Mike,
ps: great gag GH, put a smile on my face also
In the same vein as Grasshopper’s gag;
One quiet evening, a man (for the sake of argument, let’s call him Lolly’s Mate) was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to find a six-foot-tall cockroach standing outside.
"Gimme yer money!" screamed the cockroach.
Wary as always of anything or anyone that looks a bit foreign, Lolly’s Mate told the cockroach to do one.
The cockroach quickly punched him between the eyes & scuttled away.
The next evening the doorbell rang again. Lolly’s Mate opened the door to find the cockroach was back.
"Gimme yer money!" screamed the cockroach, who was once again told in no uncertain terms where to go.
This time the big bug punched him, kicked him, and karate-chopped him before racing away.
On the third evening, the cockroach was back yet again. When Lolly’s opened the door, saw who it was and once more said his bit about people not from round here, he was leapt at by the cockroach, who headbutted him several times before running off.
Although in a bad way, Lolly’s managed to crawl to the telephone and call for an ambulance. The doctor came to visit him during morning rounds the following day and asked him what happened. Our protagonist explained about the cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the headbutting that had landed him in hospital.
After a moment’s thought, the doctor said,
"Yes, I hear there’s a vicious bug going around".
gc
Jeremy Grayson. Son of immigrant. Adoptive father of two. Metadata librarian. Freelance point-to-point / horse racing writer, analyst and commentator wonk. Loves music, buses, cats, the BBC Micro, ale. Advocate of CBT, PACE and therapeutic parenting. Aspergers.
….very good gc
not quite the class of hopper’s but that would be difficult.hopper, I’m amazed people don’t get it, that was a terrific punch line.
Mikky,
I wouldn’t dare repeat it….I might pm you with it later…lol.nice one steve!
Ok UM, look forward to reading it
Here’s today’s poor attempts, both slightly rude though.
What’s the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.
What’s the difference between an egg and a w@nk? You can beat an egg, but you can’t beat a w@nk
Keep smiling
Mike
loooooooooooooooll!!! – bullseye ! – now those I like
can’t help it, I like dirty jokes
will pm you later but it may not make you laugh – I don’t think it was a hit all round
..lol.Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?,,,,,,,,,,,
He got dragged under by a strong currant……boom boom
A tortoise was mugged by two snails, so he went to the police station to report it.
PC: "Would you recognise them if you saw them again?"
Tortoise: "No, it all happened so fast".
…the usual …lol…from me
well, more of a giggle really I’m going to save some of these.
Three newlywed couples are all staying in the same hotel in adjoining rooms. All three have miraculously waited until their wedding nights before seeing each other naked.
The first couple undress whereupon the man exclaims " Bloody hell you’ve got the biggest tits I’ve ever seen !"
"Don’t you speak to me like that on my wedding night" says she, "go out on to the balcony to calm down."
The second couple undress whereupon the man exclaims " Bloody hell thats the biggest bum I’ve ever seen!"
Once again the bride says"Don’t you speak to me like that on my wedding night, go out on to the balcony to calm down."
The first chap spots the second chap and chats about why they have been sent to Coventry. Whilst they are chatting the third chap walks on to his balcony and they both say " I suppose you’ve put your foot in it as well "
The third chap replies " No but I could of !"
The great man Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!". Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!", and shuts the door in the Japanese man’s face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost!! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man’s face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
aaronizneez, your story reminds me of the other old one about the 3 prostitutes getting married.
The first lady went to the doctor and said ‘Doc, I’m getting married shortly and I’ve been on the game for 5 years but I’d like my husband to think I’m a virgin, what do you suggest?’
The doctor gave her a small elastic band with the instructions to ‘strategically’ place it…. ‘that will do the trick’ he advised.
The 2nd lady went to the doctor and said ‘Doc, I’m getting married shortly and I’ve been on the game for 10 years but I’d like my husband to think I’m a virgin, what do you suggest?’
The doctor gave her a large elastic band with the instructions to ‘strategically’ place it…. ‘that will do the trick’ he advised.
The 3rd lady went to the doctor and said ‘Doc, I’m getting married shortly and I’ve been on the game for 40 years but I’d like my husband to think I’m a virgin, what do you suggest?’
The doctor gave her a strip of 2" dressmakers elastic with the instructions to ‘strategically’ place it…. ‘that will do the trick’ he advised.
Come the wedding night….
The first chap is enjoying ‘conjugal rights’ when he hears a faint twang, ‘What was that?’ he murmurs. ‘Don’t worry darling, that was just my virginity gone’ replies his wife.
The 2nd chap is enjoying ‘conjugal rights’ when he hears a louder TWANG, ‘What was that?’ he shouts. ‘Don’t worry darling, that was just my virginity gone’ replies his wife.
The 3rd chap is enjoying ‘conjugal rights’ when he hears a reverberating TWANGGGGGG, ‘WHAT THE **** WAS THAT!’ he yells. ‘Don’t worry darling, that was just my virginity gone’ replies his wife. ‘Well you’d better get it back damn quick’ he screams ‘because it’s taken my bo!!ocks with it’ .
Sorry
..lol.
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