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Little Johnny walks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and catches them having sex.
Dumbstruck he stands there mouth wide open.
His dad turns around and upon seeing him laughs, throws a pillow at him and tells him to get out.
Later that day his dad hears noise coming from Johnny’s room.
He enters and his horrified to see little Johnny having sex with his gran.
Outraged, his father screams at him "What the **** do you think you’re doing ?"
In response, Johnny smiles, throws a pillow at him and replies "It’s not so ******* funny when it’s your mom is it ?"
Lee
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask… so… whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… "You want… Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?"
A Scotsman rushes into a bar and says to the barman;
"Quick, quick pour me seven whiskys!.
Infact make it malts!
Infact make it doubles!"
The barman pours seven double malt whiskys, lines them up in a row and the Scotsman downs them all in quick succession.
"Whats wrong with you then" says the barman
"I’m skint" he says.
one for UM …
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don’t worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
A Glasgow lass walks into Ann Summers and asks to by a vibrator. The girl serving says just have a look at the selection on the wall madam and take your pick.
The girl takes her time and says can I have that red one please?
Thats a fire extinguisher madam!!!!!!
one for UM …
…how d’you guess?…..the usual…………..lol!!!!!!!!!!
although Kevin’s below it was even better, in fact that get’s
a spanking Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You’ll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the…." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.
He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.
"Bi’Jesus… I’m soused," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He
crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin’ way." But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how’d you know?"
"Mick called……… You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Flew to Vegas last year for a poker tourney.
Planned a full week in the good ol’ US of A
Worst time of my life – I blame the flight.
Flew with BA
Honestly the whole flight long: –
"I aint getting on no damn plane you crazy fool"
A couple’s marriage was well and truly on the rocks, so the wife plans an evening of top quality French cuisine followed by an ‘early night.’
When her husband returns from work, she realises she has forgotten the escargots for the starter and sends him out to the all-night deli, telling him to hurry back for a great meal and a night of passion.
The husband duly collects a box of live snails from the deli and is about to return home when he bumps into an old mate.
‘Just going down the Dog and Duck for a swift half,’ explains his mate. ‘Wanna join me?’
‘Well, just a quick half then.’ decides the husband, mindful of the treats awaiting him at home.
Anyway four hours and nine pints later, he staggers back home only to trip on the front doorstep and send the snails flying everywhere. The door flies open and his wife is standing there, rolling pin in hand and looking furious.
‘Where the **** have you been you worthless pile of toss!’ she screams.
Quick as a flash, the husband looks down, start waving his arms and says to the snails: ‘Come on lads, nearly home now…nearly there…’
Mike
Have to applaud a couple of Kevin’s efforts there. Not so keen on the middle one.
Freddie has just retired, aged 65. He spent 45 years as a bookmaker, so has evidently made a heap of money. With no wife or kids he has plenty of cash to spare, so goes to the finest plastic surgeon in the land and asks him to make him look 25 again. The surgeon duly obliges and Freddie comes out looking 40 years younger.
The next day, Freddie does his rounds in the morning. He visits the bakers, where there is a cute blonde serving behind the counter. After asking for half a dozen well-fired, he challenges the young woman; "How old do you think I am?"
She looks at him and ponders for a minute. "Hmm, I’d say about late 20’s?"
At which Freddie shakes his head and says "I’m 65".
The woman is aghast. "No way! How do you manage to look so young?"
Freddie taps his nose and laughs. "I’ll never tell, dear" he says as he walks out, grinning like a Chesire cat.His next stop is the butchers, where he asks the svelte young lady behind the counter for a half pound of bacon. Bouyed from his last attempt, he asks her "How old do you think I am?"
the young lady again thinks about it. "Oh, I’d say early-mid 20’s, tops."
Freddie laughs. "I’ll let you know a secret. I’m 65"
The girl says nothin, her mouth open in shock. Freddie gives her a wink, hands over his dues and walks out like the cock o’ the north.On the way home, he stands at the bus stop. By now he has a taste for the flattery he has so far received, so asks the old lady in front of him in the queue. "How old do think I am, dear?"
the old woman looks him up and down, perplexed. "I don’t know, but I know one way I could definitely find out."
Freddie smiles "Please, be my guest".
At this, the old woman puts her hands down the front of his trousers and starts to feel his private parts, kneading them almost analytically for a full minute before pulling her hands out and quickly saying "You’re 65".
Freddie was extremely hacked off that he had been rumbled. "How the bloody hell do you know?" He asked angrily.
"I was standing behind you in the butchers."A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn’t take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey."
Why are married women fatter than single women.
Single women go home look in the fridge then goto bed
Married Women go home look in the bed and goto the fridge.
the usual *giggle* from me, although of course it’s totally untrue
There are some gems on this thread, I do hope it doesn’t disappear into the nether regions too quickly.
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