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I met an asthmatic lesbian the other day…she told me she could only catch her breath in snatches….
Paddy is sitting in the pub minding his own business over a pint of the black stuff, when in comes his old pal Ben.
Ben gather himself a pint, and takes his place beside Paddy in their usual corner of the pub.
“Jaysus, yer lookin’ a wee bit flustered there, Ben” says Paddy.
“Aye” replies Ben “it’s the wife, you see…..bit of a problem”
“How so?” asks Paddy “What’s the problem?”
“Well, she’s just been in for an operation at the hospital, you see” says Ben, “….and I need four hundred Euro’s to spring her out. I don’t suppose there’s any chance of you lending it to me, is there?”
“Paddy, who has known Ben all his life, says “You’re after having me on, Ben. I know you. As soon as I gave you the cash, it would be ‘**** the wife”, and you’d be straight away down the bookies to spend it all on the fecking horses. No way!!”
“No, no, no” replies Ben calmly, “….you don’t understand. I have the money for the horses”……………
A couple who have just got married are spending their honeymoon in a quiet area of Scotland near a lake. Every day the groom is seen on the lake fishing. Two locals who are aware that the man is on his honeymoon find this a little strange and after a week can’t hold their curiosity any longer and confront the man when he comes in from his fishing.
One of the men says "Here son do you mind me asking you a question ?"
"Not at all" replies the groom
"Well when I was first married my wife and I spent the majority of our honeymoon getting to know each other if you know what I mean"
"Ah well I normally would be doing the same" says the groom "but she’s got gonorrhea"
The second man says " Well she could always practice her oral technique surely?"
"Usually yes, but she also has pyorrhea" says the groom
The two locals look at each other and agree on their next question and say "Well son couldn’t you roll her over and do it that way"
"Well I could if she didn’t have the diarrhoea" replied the goom
Once again the two men look at each other and in desperation say
"Bloody hell, gonorrhea, pyorrhea and diarrhoea, why on earth did you marry her?""Ah well" says the groom , "she’s also got worms and I do love my fishing"
Paddy and Murphy have been away camping for a week and it’s their last night before they return home, so they spend the evening in this country pub which was a couple of minutes walk away from the campsite. Shortly after arriving in the pub a freak storm occurs of torrential rain and high winds. Paddy and Murphy aren’t bothered as they are having a great time downing pint after pint and joking with the locals.
At closing time the storm has subsided somewhat and they both make their way back to the campsite but to their dismay, their tent has blown away. Even though they’ve had a few drinks Paddy suggests taking the car and finding a hotel. They jump in and head off down the road.
All of a sudden an old man’s face appeared on the passenger side and taps lightly on the window. Murphy screams out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my
window!!! There’s an old guy’s face there!, I think it’s a ghost Paddy!"This old man kept knocking, so Paddy says, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So Murphy rolls his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?"
Murphy, terrified, looked at Paddy and said, "He wants a cigarette!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" Paddy replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaugggggh, there he is again! Murphy
yells.""Well see what he wants now!" yells back Paddy
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
Murphy throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!
"Oh my God! HE’S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.â€
This joke was deemed the funniest joke in the world after a scientific survey. Well make your own mind up but its quiet good.
Two hunters out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "my friend is dead ! what can I do ". The operator says : calm down, I can help. "First lets make sure he’s dead". There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone , the guy says : "ok what now".
In a hotel room Jim Morrison is standing in one corner with the rest of his band.
In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr.
All are naked.
Marianne Faithfull walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. Then starts on his guitarist, then moves on to his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she’s finished she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
Suddenly there’s a huge crash…. a Mini-Cooper smashes through the wall and Michael Caine jumps out. He grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts….
"Oi, Faithfull! you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
lol….now that last one was quite funny Simon, but I did have to wonder what a pink oboe was all about
# Should be 18+ to read this joke!#
Paddy jumps off the train at Paddington and immediately sets about looking for some brass. Within 40 seconds, he finds a working girl and approaches her.
”Top of the morning to you. If I give you £50, can I blow up your skirt?”
The harlot is a little befuddled but she sees no harm in it. So she lifts her skirt a little and Paddy puffs away before handing over the £50
Paddy strides purposefully to the next B-girl and asks her for the same pleasure. Again, the whore is a little perplexed but seeing as though t’was near enough money for nothing, she agreed. Huff, puff, cash.
And this continues. For an entire week in fact.
So a week later, Paddy’s with the prozzie who he met 7 days earlier. Again Paddy asks if he can do his aquired deed for £50. The scarlet woman says
”Off course you can. But I have to ask you, what are you getting from all this? For a whole week, you’ve just been blowing away without getting anything else. You’re becoming pretty famous in our circles. As a matter of fact, even girls who don’t walk the streets have been approaching you. So why are you doing this?”
Paddy responds
”Well me father told me to go to London and blow up as many ***** as I can!”Achieve Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday, I have finally found Inner peace.
The phone in show was talking about the stress of juggling work and home life. The Dr. proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started and never finished."
So, I looked around my flat to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of scotch, 8 cans of Stella, a bottle of Bailey’s, a bottle of vodka, a packet of Jaffa Cakes, the rest of the Cheesecake, a King Prawn Jalfrezi and a Box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!! The man is a Genius!
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists,and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says ‘Little boy are you the front end of an ass?’
‘No,’ replies little Johnny.
‘Are you the rear end of an ass?’
‘No,’ replies little Johnny again.
‘In that case,’ says the clown, ‘you must be no end of an ass.’
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, ‘Little Johnny don’t worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.’ At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says,
‘Little boy are you the front end of an ass?’
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice . . .
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…‘**** off you Red nosed ****!’
I’ll take wordplay and punnage over effing and jeffing any day of the week, ta. To that end, a few nice jokes lifted from the Stuff On TV blogspot (but posssibly Cooper or Vine in origin);
***
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.A man goes into a fish & chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks, "Do you sell fish cakes in here?"
"No", came the reply.
"Shame", he says pointing to the salmon, "It’s his birthday".What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.Four Fonts walk into a bar.
The Barman says, "Oi, get out! We don’t want your type in here"***
gc
Jeremy Grayson. Son of immigrant. Adoptive father of two. Metadata librarian. Freelance point-to-point / horse racing writer, analyst and commentator wonk. Loves music, buses, cats, the BBC Micro, ale. Advocate of CBT, PACE and therapeutic parenting. Aspergers.
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks: "excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he is on her level and says: "do you want a widdle white wabbit or thoft fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers: "I don’t wealy fink my pyfon gives a ph_ck what colour it is…"
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