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Japan…………
The Japanese presidents wife has just given birth to a baby boy………….
Unfortunatley the child suffered problems at the delivery and could be handicapped.
The president has named him……… Sum Tin Wong……..
Latest Terror Alert in France today……….
Jacques Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide". There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory – effectively crippling their military.<br>
Lollys – I don’t know where you got these from but they are very funny – I’m sat here laughing aloud by myself – the neighbours must wonder what I’m doing:o
Los Angeles………………..
Joan Collins was reported today as having breakthrough plastic surgery, where she has had the excess rubbery skin removed from her vagina.
When she awoke from her opperation her hospital room was full of flowers. She was so taken back by this that she shed a few tears.
She asked her nurse who they are from.
The nurse found the card, and read out the message.
It read…………………..
To Joan, Thanks for the new ears. Nicky Lauder.
Scotland……………
A man woke up in hospital today after having a serious car accident..
The doctor told him theirs good and bad news.
The bad news is that we had to remove both your feet.
The man was horrified.
Whats the good news then? He replied.
Well the good news is that the man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes……………………………..
In the same hospital, a man was told that he had broken his leg in several places……………..
The doctor recommended that he shouldn’t go back to those places……………….
The same doctor had to give a poor old man some grave news today………………
He told the old chap that he had some good and bad news..
The bad news, he said, is that you only have 3 weeks to live, The old boy said well whats the good news?
To which the doctor pointed over to a pretty young nurse, and told the old boy…….
See her……………….. I’m shagging that…!
Quote: from lollys mate on 4:53 pm on Sep. 13, 2006[br] In the same hospital, a man was told that he had broken his leg in several places……………..
The doctor recommended that he shouldn’t go back to those places……………….<br>
<br>Tommy Cooper is in the building!<br>
Jeremy Grayson. Son of immigrant. Adoptive father of two. Metadata librarian. Freelance point-to-point / horse racing writer, analyst and commentator wonk. Loves music, buses, cats, the BBC Micro, ale. Advocate of CBT, PACE and therapeutic parenting. Aspergers.
Edinburgh………………
Today, a middle aged man was walking home after work, when he spotted a sign in a pet shop window. It read………..
FOR SALE, COCK SUCKING RABBIT.
The gentleman decided to enquire about this animal.
The pet shop owner showed the man the said rabbit and told him it was £300.00.
The man replied saying that £300 for a rabbit was too expensive.
The shop owner said, but this is a cock sucking rabbit!
The man agreed to buy it, and the shop owner put it in a small pet box and the man took it home.
Upon reaching his home, he took it into his kitchen to show his wife.
His wife said, whats that?
To which the man replied, Its a cock sucking rabbit!
What am I supposed to do with that she said ?
To which the man replied………….
"Teach it to cook and feck off".
Tommy Cooper never told that one ;)
A man went to his doctor today and said,
When I push my finger into my shoulder, it hurts.
And when I push my finger into my forehead, it hurts.
And when I push my finger into my knee, it hurts.
The doctor said……………………
Youv’e broken your finger.
Lolly’s Mate you have avery graphic sense of humour! You seem to like the Scots even more than me!:biggrin:
apparently the irish attempt to scale mount everest has just failed – they ran out of scaffolding at twenty five thousand feet
Glasgow…………………
A man went into a sex shop today, looking for a top of the range blow-up doll.
The assistant was very helpful and showed the man the full range.
After an hour of looking the assistant showed him a doll that cost £2,000. The man was shocked, and asked why it was so expensive.
The assistant replies……………
Its a Muslim doll………..
It blows itself up!
Flats..
I just go where the news is.:biggrin:
But you know what them scotties are like.
OCK EYE DA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
London…………………
Two blondes walked into a building today…………..
You think one of them might have seen it!………..
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord ! Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "no, no, play a jazz <br>chord, play a jazz chord". A bit p**s
ed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "no, no. play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly p**s
ed off that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing . " a jazz chord to say I ruv you ….."
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