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A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "mom am I a real polar bear?". "of course you are." his mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "dad, am I a real polar bear?" <br>"yes, you are a real polar bear" his father replied. A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" , "yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "are all my relatives real polar bears?" , "yes, they are all real polar bears." said his parents. "why do you ask?" replied his mother, "because," said the young polar bear,"I’m ****
ing freezing!"This man goes into the local bank and says to the female cashier – "morning love – give us a ****
ing cheque book". The outraged girl says, "you can’t talk to me like that I’m going to get the manager!". The guy says, "I don’t care who you get, I want a ****
ing cheque book". At this the girl gets the manager, who says to the man -"look here, we don’t conduct business like this in banks, besides, I don’t recognise you as one of our customers". The guy says, "I’m not. I’ve just won ten million on the lottery and I want to put it in your bank". The manager turns to the girl and says,"don’t just stand there ****
, get the man a ****
ing cheque book."This is the stuff Simon……
The "K" Club…………………………
Stevie Wonder met Tiger woods at the opening of the Ryder cup today, and invited him to a game of golf. Stevie said, no handicaps, no gimmies, just stroke for strok golf.
Tiger replied, but your blind and I am the best golfer in the world!
Stevie said, dont worry about that, Iv’e booked a tee time and we will be playing for $1,000,000.
Tiger was a little uncomfortable about this but accepted the game. He asked Stevie what time the tee was booked for>
Stevie said…………………. Midnight!
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it’s quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She’s got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that’s enough, I’ll do the ****
ing dishes!"news continues on the spread of obesity through society and doctors are now suggesting stronger action. yesterday a man was at the surgery and told the doctor his wife was horribly overweight and asked if there was anything the doctor could recommend that might help. the doctor suggested the man told his wife to run 5 miles a day for a week. when the man asked the doctor if that would help, the doctor replied that it should but if it didn’t at least the fat cow would be 35 miles away
A good report Simon…………
But where in the world was the news buletin taken from?
I mean, your report sounds like a joke!
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.<br>Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the Thames Estuary."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.<br>Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what’s the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news!?!" he asked.
And the policeman replied…<br>"We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
Glasgow……………..
A man went for an interview today for a "handyman" job.
When asked if he could decorate, plaster, lay bricks, do plumbing, do electrics, carpentry, roof repairs, gardening or clean cars, he said no to all of the above.
The recruitment officer said "whats handy about you then"?
To which he replied…………….
I only live around the corner.
NEWSFLASH !
belfast police reports are staing a protestant girl was shot in the fanny at 4 o’clock this afternoon. thirty minutes later a catholic girl was apparently shot in the breast. police believe this was a tit for twat shooting…..
Leeds………………
Pete Dougherty has just made an announcement about his good friend Richard Hammond…………
He spoke about their simmilarity, and how they both get smashed on Top Gear!
<br> Sorry!:o
a full biological alert was called at guys hospital earlier today when a man admitted himself and told doctors he thought he had contracted bird flu. when the doctors asked him what was wrong with him he told them he was having trouble parking his car and couldn’t throw things…..
London : Friday 22/09/2006 6.24 pm
Michael Owen was spotted in the Chandos public house at Charing Cross ordering a pint of Fosters. He was then seen to approach a girl across the bar and say to her "you’ve got a nice pair of tits, do you fancy coming back to my place for a shag" The girl was heard to reply "my, you’re a little forward aren’t you"
Friday 22-9-06 , Manchester
A BBC reporter out shopping sees a youngster being attacked by a rabid rottweiler dog and then sees an even smaller child rush the dog and seperate them with a small wooden stick, pushing the stick down the beasts throat and twisting it, snapping the dog’s neck, saving his friends life.
He takes his notebook out and starts talking as he writes, "Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing,
"But I’m not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." says the reporter and starts again.
"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.
"I’m not a City fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan. What team DO you root for?" the reporter asks. "I’m a Liverpool fan." the boy said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Cambridge, Friday 22/9/06
a scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold.
his colleagues have kicked the ****
out of him.Dublin – Friday – 22.9.06
Seamus decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I’m green with NV". Seamus replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I’m tickled pink". Seamus says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and Seamus opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.
Seamus a bit very shocked says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!
Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair".
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