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At the same party a black man turns up wearing only ties.<br> He came as a tycoon.<br> Another man came with a condom hanging from his nose.<br> Seamus asked what he came as………
**** nose !
Texas, Saturday …..
Michael Jackson has just been sentenced to 10years in prison for child abuse. In summing up the judge told him "you should think yourself lucky, if you were a black man, you’d have got 20 years"
celebrity news – 23-9-06
john leslie was seen having a beer with quinten hann in the Goose at Bloomsbury. quinten was overheard telling john that he reckoned he could have any bird in the pub, no problem. when john asked him how he had worked that one out, quinten was heard to reply "easy, i’m a rapist"
kent – 23/09/06
a gypsy man took his 12yo daughter to the doctors and asked the doctor to prescribe her the morning after pill. "good heavens" said the doctor "is she sexually active ?" , "no" said the gypsy man "she just lies there ande takes it like her mother"
travel – september
an australian man is on holiday in new zealand and as he is walking across some fields sees a kiwi bloke shagging a sheep
"oi" shouts the aussie bloke "where i come from we shear those"
"****
off" shouts the kiwi bloke "i’m not shearing this with anyone"education – saturday
the government has announced to encourage children to try harder at core subjects, they will be based upon popular topice. the following is an extract from the proposed maths gcse replacement examination :
Maths made easy with Manchester United
From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government’s maths campaign.
1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler’s face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.
2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of<br>internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.
4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?<br>(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)
4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?
5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?
6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)
6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.
7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?<br>(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).
8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?
9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, ‘However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees’ are accepted.)
10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).
11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?
12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.
dartford – 23-09-06
i was at the cashpoint on the way to the offy this morning and there was this blind cripple there, looking as if he was in a spot of bother. i asked him what was up and he told me he wanted to check his balance and asked if i could help him – so i pushed the ****
overIraq – 23-6-06
U.S. military statisticians have discovered that 98% of all american troops being killed in Iraq are black. An army investigations board has suggested this may be because every time someone shouts "Get Down" they all jump up and start dancing…..
Pets Corner – Saturday
A man took his dog to the vet this morning and said to the vet "My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let’s take a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I’m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he is cross-eyed?" says the man,
"No, because he’s really heavy." replies the vet
Charity – Sponsors required
I will be running a mini-marathon soon and will be looking for some sponsorship.
I don’t normally do mini-marathons but the organisers told me it was for blind kids and spastics and i thought, yeah, why not – I can win that
Goods stuff Simon and Lolly’s. :lol: Just hope I can remember most of them when I go out on the p*ss.<br>Keep ’em coming.
The K club……………….
After the end of play yesterday, Paddy goes around the course looking for stray golf balls.<br> Happy with filling both his pockets until their bulging full, he get on the bus to go home.
And old lady looks at his bulging pockets, with a strange glare.
Paddy says "golf balls".
The old lady replies………………
"Looks more painfull than tennis elbow".
America……………..
<br>One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
3. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. …. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Cardiff……………..
A man went to his doctors and said "I cannot stop myself from singing Green green grass of home and My my my Delilah.
The doctor told him he had Tom Jones syndrome.
"Is it rare doctor"? replied the man.
"Its not unusual" replied the doc…………….
Los angeles…………
During his latest interview, Stevie Wonder told how it took him 7 months to write the ballad Lately………….
Apparently he dropped his pen……………
London……………
A gentleman walked into a Harley Street clinic today, with a strawberry on his head..
The doctor put some cream on it……………………
St Patricks day. Dublin…………….
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and Most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then." <br> <br> Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!" <br> <br> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can Just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the street and falls flat on hisface.
"Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. <br> He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin’ way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can Make it to the bed." <br> <br> He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. <br> <br> He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.<br> <br> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying A cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. <br> Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin’ p**s
ed. But how’d you know?" <br> <br> "Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub." <br>
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