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During a recent conversation with me ol’ pal zoz, i have decided i am making myself agony aunt of the racing forum. It’s like Trisha, only, it’s called ‘ZOME’ funnily enough. Please post yr problems below. :cool:
Hahahahaha
<br>Ok. I’ll start off.
<br>Hi Zome<br>*sits in uncomfortable but stylish blue seat under harsh stage lighting*
My left foot hurts and I think John McCririck might have moved in next door. Are these things connected in any way, and what can I do about them?
Dear Zoz,<br>Oh deary me. What a pickle. McCrirrick is often linked with many misfortunes, although i think your troubles may have started after the fear that was enduced by the prospect of a contestant getting locked in a zone on the crystal maze, and an inner fear that they will never get out, or find a crystal. So, your foot is infact fine, but dwelling on the prospect of being stuck on set with Richard O’brien for …well, ever, which is causing your foot great pain. Try eating twenty mint imperials and a plate of chips. Or make ninja noises. I find this helps.
Is it possible that Rochard O’Brien, cool dude as he is, is related to Aidan O’Brien and because of my interest in racing and McCririck’s moving in, this tenuous connection is increasing the pain?
Yes. They scared the cat. Can’t you get me a light sabre instead? Then I could use it on Mac and cut my foot off in a neat, snazzy, singed kind of way so I don’t bleed to death?
Dear Zome
I appear to have developed an inexplicable crush on Paul Nicholls. Can you help me?
Thanks
Yours helplessly
Elaine
Dear Zome,
I sometimes spend hours trying to post something of interest, It is immediately trashed as rubbish by another forumite who knows everything about anything,
I have lost my self confidence, feeling depressed, totally insecure and unsure of my future,
yours in desperation barry dennis
NO TAX OR COMMISSION<br>ON-COURSE BOOKMAKER
Dear Zoz,<br>HEY! Who’s the problem solver here?! Keep on truckin’ with the ninja noises.<br>Zome.
<br>Dear robertylea (Elaine),<br>I’m sorry to say, it sounds like you are beyond help. If this infatuation with Mr Nicholls continues, then take a swift trip to specsavers.<br>Zome.<br>P.S We are talking about the double chin Nicholls and not the one who used to play mad Joe in Eastenders right?!
Dear Ian,<br>You should embrace this visitor, and welcome her back over and over again like a cheating, hot wife. She obviously thinks highly of the forumites to keep on trucking back and forth. And i’m sure she has a particular soft spot for yourself. :cool: <br>Zome.
Dear Barry.<br>Mr Dennis, amongst the barrels of good ale, theres always a few corked bottles of 1.99 tescos value p|ss. Don’t let this spoil your drunken binge amongst the racing world! Go forth! <br>Zome.
Dear Zome,
I have a terrible affliction which is getting worse with age and has not been cured by a move out of the Somerset area as I hoped it would be.
I have always thought of myself as a kind, sentient animal lover, yet every time I sit on a horse nowadays, I struggle to fight these unstoppable, all-consuming urges to thrash the life out the poor brute as it stands underneath me. It has almost become a automatic, trip-switch kind of affliction – the moment I sit on his back, the right arm jerks violently into life and begins to rain down blows as if possessed by an axe murderer. It is most disturbing.
I have hitherto been able to keep this condition out of the public eye largely through the company I used to keep, and had presumed that a move to a new location and a fresh start in life would eradicate the problem altogether, but has only served to exacerbate it. It can only be a matter of time before somebody notices it and reports it further, with grave consequences.
I short, I need saving from myself. Can you please help me?
Best wishes,
AP McCoy,<br>Jackdaws Castle,<br>Gloucestershire<br>
(Edited by graysonscolumn at 11:39 pm on Mar. 21, 2005)
Jeremy Grayson. Son of immigrant. Adoptive father of two. Metadata librarian. Freelance point-to-point / horse racing writer, analyst and commentator wonk. Loves music, buses, cats, the BBC Micro, ale. Advocate of CBT, PACE and therapeutic parenting. Aspergers.
Dear Zome,
Earlier today I ran over a baby badger and am overcome with guilt and remorse. I just don’t know how best to cook and serve it up. Should it be stuffed and served with a bread sauce ? What vegetables would you suggest to complement the poor thing ?
Hope you can help
Yours mouthwateringly
Jamie
Dear AP,<br>Ahh Tony, i’ve always worried about you. Your move from Somerset, was frankly, a bad decision. The season your current employer is having can’t have helped your vicious attacks on your mounts rear ends. Maybe you could start riding like Carl Llywellyn, or possibly not carry a whip at all. Maybe take a leaf from Paul Carberry’s book, and not move a muscle untill 3 cms before the line. This could keep you out of trouble, but then again, it would probably get you into more trouble. Sorry i’m not much help. Ask Gee Armytage. She’ll know what to do. Plus she’s hot.<br>Zome.
<br>Dear Scottish Jamie,<br>Baby Badgers are a rare delicacy. Try roasting with sprigs of rosemary and lemon grass, and serve it up with deep fried mars bars tossed with a nettle salad. Remember to sell the fur to a fashion label. Finally, don’t blame me if you get TB.<br>Zome.
Dear Zome,
I’m at college and this computer’s bloody uselessly slow.
What’s that about then? And will kicking it help?
And has anyone outbid me for that bloody plectrum yet?
I await your answers to life’s little issues.
Dear Zoz,<br>Always kick it. And nope, the plectrum stands at £8. haha. Why don’t college computers have msn?<br>Zome.
Dear Zome,
I have a problem. :biggrin:
Not only do I spend too much time on the internet :biggrin: and have over 6000 postings to my name on TRF :biggrin: but I also think I’m a narcissistic know it all who puts all other betting exchanges to shame with my fabulous site backandlay :biggrin: . All my celebrity friends and contacts think I’m great too. :biggrin:
Would you agree? :biggrin:
Yours modestly,
Ian Davies :biggrin:
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