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I have absolutely nothing to bin just a huge amount of pride in telling you I live a charmed life – and let me advise that a moth eaten three thousand pound coat has been eclipsed by the last four days where I have been looked on kindly by a higher power who has given me freebies. I report these gifts in the serious voice of an American actor – one Robert Duvall.
Day one… Walking by a house with a red door in Notting Hill – Gee I just gotta tell you this ( that was Duvall) I came across an opened cardboard box with the printed words ‘ one hundred pairs’ Inside were 100 new white chinese slip on slippers. I didnt much like the look of them but they were new and individually packed in see through plastic. I rather guiltily took one pair – as I rounded the corner I felt godamm good ( that was Robert again). They didnt fit me but did the pretendy princess.
Day two… Walking past the same address ( a real lucky sonofabitch am I ? – Robert ) I saw a blue striped towel robe dressing gown in very good nick. I waked past it and stopped. The man behind me passed me and at the corner looked around to see me bagging the spoils. This was hugely embarrassing but freebies can come at a price of damaged dignity. I put it on when I got home and it stunk of old spice – pretendy noticed this and shouted that I had brought the virus home.
Day three… I had travelled to Hove and been shopping and outside on the pavement was an upright 500ml litre can of spanish beer. It was cold and I bagged it without any embarrassment – I was getting good at this ( **** hot – Robert )
Today… I had bought a nice bottle of Bordeaux in a supermarket. It had a security cap on and alerted one of the self service sales team who tried to take the cap off but couldn’t so he gave it to another man who took it away. Maybe then there was a time warp and my memory which is very good seemed to fail me. A man was walking towards me with a bottle and I approached him as if it was mine ( but it darned well wasn’t – Rob) and bagged it, noticing it was a slightly lighter colour than I was expecting and walked out. When I got home I opened my bag and discovered two bottles – the bottle of Bordeaux and to my surprise a bottle of superior french brandy. A very honest person would have taken the bus back and returned it – not I. I am currently drinking it and saw it as my fourth day spoils. I must have been given back the bottle of Bordeaux – but somehow ( PTSD ) forgotten it had been returned in the time warp and seeing a man approach with a bottle assumed it was it, but it was the Brandy – obviously for someone else. On the way home I was approached by an attractive woman who offered me a soft drink. She was promoting Zappa a delivery service. She told me the deal was I had to point my phone at a code. I told her she reminded me of a girl called Stefania. She just gave me the drink without doing the code milarkey, because I said she was the spiiting image and she laughed and liked it.
So two gifts today.5 freebies in four days – I will feel the pressure as I step out tomorrow to continue the sequence.
This guy’s no dope
Thanks Robert
Come and get me
I will come pishfully
It’s a fair cop
Terence Stamp will be
misrepresenting me
Duvall’s good but
screws his vowelsDEAD LADYBIRDS
ROOM 101
A strange feeling of guilt
When you find a dead one inside the house.
They are meant to be quite beautiful but to me they
are frightening creatures. It’s the black dots on the red skin.
It’s disturbing.When they suddenly take flight
It’s like an electric shock.
SHOCKINGNothing for room 101
Only good things are happening.
I am sitting here in my blue striped rather fine towel robe. ( dressing gown ) I pass by the head offices of the Mail – was there on Friday – I often pop in and they always give me a freebie which I take and drink with my latte ( now with coconut milk ) They give me a free extra shot and a large ( for the price of s regular because I’m a nice guy ) Then producing my Starbucks beaker I get an extra 50p off. So a £3 drink for (£2.75 – 50.) so a saving of 75p and a free paper to read.
Yesterday I was coming out of Tesco and I spotted a Saturday Times on top of all the free Evening Standard ( Fridays editions ) I though quickly – someone’s thrown that away so took it.
It was a hugely enjoyable read mainly because it was free !
Nothing for 101 today bar the Russian elite !In a confessional box I might agree with you. Freeloaders, especially the clever ones, are not that easy to spot, and they’ve often been and gone at the moment you’ve twigged – you are bereft.
When you buy a cup of tea from an outlet in a railway station and it is so ridiculously hot that you have to leave it for about 15 minutes before it is safe to raise to your lips.
Why do they always have to be so hot?!
The advert for Tena pads of the woman sitting on the toilet.
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I crawled on six crooked highwaysHow about people that cut you up while driving as though they are in a rush before they proceed to drive 50% below the speed limit, the people that do that always fascinate me.
Haha I could write a list of driving ones as long as your arm Ben. Fascinate is a good word actually. A lot of it doesn’t make me angry, it’s just curious. Like this example that I see a lot on three lane motorways: I’ll be doing 70 in the middle lane overtaking a lorry or two. There’s an entire clear lane 3 to use but someone will drive right up behind as if I’m going too slow and stay there until I move over when past the lorries. Then they speed off past in the middle lane. Happens loads and I just don’t get it, use the third lane if I’m too slow!
Haha I agree Richard, thankfully I learnt at a fairly young age not to get wound up by things like that, lifes much easier when we let it amuse us instead!!
That really is an odd one, can’t be far away from times when noone has to drive any more and people of the future will be horrified at the thought of us careering around at 70mph at 8am in order to get to work on time. Madness that you have to take a test when you learn to drive but then get a lifetime of unregulated driving, I have to jump through hoops at the moment just to get a bloody inhaler for my asthma that I’ve had since birth, makes no sense this country!
Having watched some of the women’s football, it puts to shame their
male counterparts who get a bump, roll over half a dozen times, several
minutes later after the magic sponge they are sent to the side lines.
The whistle goes and they’re back on like a greyhound out the traps.
Pisses me off.
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