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The Pope's a Protestant

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    Andrew HughesAndrew Hughes
    • Total Posts 1904

    Have you ever noticed how cats have five legs? It was whilst I was picking my nose on the top deck of a number 17 bus that I watched a five-legged moggy chasing a purple marshmallow hippo down a sidestreet. Nowadays, our streets are crawling with flourescent hippos and gingerbread elephants, but no-one ever mentions them. And this got me thinking. What other obvious patterns were people missing and how could I use this to fill a weekly column?

    It was around the time they were choosing a new Pope. Having watched some of the television coverage, I started to think about Il Padre. Everyone says he’s a Catholic. Wherever you go, that’s what people always say, it’s the perceived wisdom. But I didn’t get where I am today by going along with perceived wisdom. Or wisdom of any kind. I was sure there was an angle here and I set about investigating. My enquiries at my local church met with blank stares. A visit to a mosque proved similarly unproductive.

    So I tried a different tack. I fired up my copy of Raceform Interactive. Sadly, there was almost a complete lack of ecumenical data. Undaunted, I went on to the Vatican homepage. I was delighted to find they had an archive containing every single speech made by every Pope since the Reformation. I set to work, using a Latin translation software package I had recently aquired.

    Seven months later, what do you think I had found? I was astonished to discover that not once in all that five hundred years or so had any Pope actually uttered the words, ‘I am a Catholic’. I was so surprised, I ran the search again. Another seven months went by with the same result. I was onto something. But how to use it?

    Well, I suggest you follow my usual tactic of backing the next three Popes to announce that they are Protestants. A quick call to Corals established the rather generous price of 33-1 for this bet. That buys a lot of Lithium!


    • Total Posts 2081

    :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

    dave jay
    • Total Posts 3386

    … so long as you maintain your enthusistic mindlessly optimistic view on everything you write, I’m sure you’ll be get years out of it.<br>:biggrin:

    • Total Posts 2065

    Should this not be in the lounge?

    dave jay
    • Total Posts 3386


    • Total Posts 1736

    We are amused, Aranalde.

    You are commanded to bring more revelations to the court, to cheer us on cold and wet December days.

    • Total Posts 2685

    Top stuff sir.

    Gareth Flynn
    • Total Posts 583

    You’re supposed to finish with a reference to the start of the piece!

    • Total Posts 862

    Surley you must also have a straight forecast!

    Disclosure Protocol [ON]

    Andrew HughesAndrew Hughes
    • Total Posts 1904

    Next week’s article will exploit the public ignorance over the existence of lavatories in the woods and the fact that bears are actually toilet trained at birth.

    • Total Posts 2663


    What you need is a copy of my new e-book:

    THE PAPAL BETTING CODE: <br>Proof of winning foreknowledge of the next Pontiff secretly hidden inside bookmakers’ betting odds <br>by Alan Diddley <br>ISBN 1-8986-2702-9 <br>Published November 2006 <br>

    "It certainly had me scuttling around Paris in a Smart Car" – Dan Brown

    "I’m going to bounce up and down on my spring" – Clodagh Rogers


    • Total Posts 295

    PMSL Aranalde/Mike :giggle:

    Maxilon 5Maxilon 5
    • Total Posts 2432

    TDK, after reading todays Weekender article and pages 1-3 of the PDF, I am now convinced that "Mr Ridley" is actually Mr Nick "Maudlin" Mordin posting under a nom de plume randomly selected from the Yellow Pages.

    The evidence is compelling.

    Funny stuff guys;:biggrin:

    • Total Posts 720

    Pleasing work.

    • Total Posts 6940


    Post of the Week, Aranalde, and betlarge’s reply isn’t too far behind, either!


    The patron saint of lower-grade fare. A gently critical friend of point-to-pointing. Kindness is a political act.

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