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Have you ever noticed how cats have five legs? It was whilst I was picking my nose on the top deck of a number 17 bus that I watched a five-legged moggy chasing a purple marshmallow hippo down a sidestreet. Nowadays, our streets are crawling with flourescent hippos and gingerbread elephants, but no-one ever mentions them. And this got me thinking. What other obvious patterns were people missing and how could I use this to fill a weekly column?
It was around the time they were choosing a new Pope. Having watched some of the television coverage, I started to think about Il Padre. Everyone says he’s a Catholic. Wherever you go, that’s what people always say, it’s the perceived wisdom. But I didn’t get where I am today by going along with perceived wisdom. Or wisdom of any kind. I was sure there was an angle here and I set about investigating. My enquiries at my local church met with blank stares. A visit to a mosque proved similarly unproductive.
So I tried a different tack. I fired up my copy of Raceform Interactive. Sadly, there was almost a complete lack of ecumenical data. Undaunted, I went on to the Vatican homepage. I was delighted to find they had an archive containing every single speech made by every Pope since the Reformation. I set to work, using a Latin translation software package I had recently aquired.
Seven months later, what do you think I had found? I was astonished to discover that not once in all that five hundred years or so had any Pope actually uttered the words, ‘I am a Catholic’. I was so surprised, I ran the search again. Another seven months went by with the same result. I was onto something. But how to use it?
Well, I suggest you follow my usual tactic of backing the next three Popes to announce that they are Protestants. A quick call to Corals established the rather generous price of 33-1 for this bet. That buys a lot of Lithium!
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… so long as you maintain your enthusistic mindlessly optimistic view on everything you write, I’m sure you’ll be get years out of it.<br>:biggrin:
We are amused, Aranalde.
You are commanded to bring more revelations to the court, to cheer us on cold and wet December days.
Next week’s article will exploit the public ignorance over the existence of lavatories in the woods and the fact that bears are actually toilet trained at birth.
All
What you need is a copy of my new e-book:
THE PAPAL BETTING CODE: <br>Proof of winning foreknowledge of the next Pontiff secretly hidden inside bookmakers’ betting odds <br>by Alan Diddley <br>ISBN 1-8986-2702-9 <br>Published November 2006 <br>http://www.thepapalbettingcode.co.uk
"It certainly had me scuttling around Paris in a Smart Car" – Dan Brown
"I’m going to bounce up and down on my spring" – Clodagh Rogers
Mike
TDK, after reading todays Weekender article and pages 1-3 of the PDF, I am now convinced that "Mr Ridley" is actually Mr Nick "Maudlin" Mordin posting under a nom de plume randomly selected from the Yellow Pages.
The evidence is compelling.
Funny stuff guys;:biggrin:
LMAO
Post of the Week, Aranalde, and betlarge’s reply isn’t too far behind, either!
gc<br>
Jeremy Grayson. Son of immigrant. Adoptive father of two. Metadata librarian. Freelance point-to-point / horse racing writer, analyst and commentator wonk. Loves music, buses, cats, the BBC Micro, ale. Advocate of CBT, PACE and therapeutic parenting. Aspergers.
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