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I used to do these write ups a fair bit, and I figured I’d go back to doing them.
However, it’s been brought to my attention that I’m obviously a cruel and unworthy oik, I thought I’d better use this to attempt to redeem myself.
Therefore, I am making this a positive write-up. I am not going to be nasty about the horses, nor shall I be rude about their trainers or jockeys.
Here we go…
The BetBright Cotswold Argento Gold Cup Trial In January Chase is taking place at Cheltenham, which is a beautiful racecourse in a lovely town where nobody is snobby or racist. There are eight horses declared for it, and I am sure they are all very good indeed.
Black Thunder:
Black Thunder is a lovely horse with a cool name. I am sure none of the residents of Cheltenham would have a problem with him being Black. Or, er, Thundery. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by Paul Nicholls, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke. He hasn’t got a jockey yet, but it might well be Sam Twiston-Davies, who is a talented horseman – unlike me – and is well liked in the racing fraternity. He comes into this having won a listed race at Sandown, where he beat Rocky Bender, who is a lovely horse, who always tries his best, and doesn’t have an amusing name.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he’s feeling poorly.
Dynaste:
Dynaste is a lovely horse, and he’s grey, too, which makes him stand out a bit. I am sure none of the residents of Cheltenham would have a problem with his name being a bit French. He has always tried his best in his races and has been very unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by David Pipe, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke. He hasn’t got a jockey yet, but it will probably be Tom Scudamore, who can ride a horse to help him win. Both David Pipe and Tom Scudamore come from families with a rich history in racing, unlike mine. He comes into this having come second in the King George to Silviniaco Conti, who is a very good horse, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he’s feeling tired.
Many Clouds:
Many Clouds is a lovely horse with a name that makes me think of a beautiful sky. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by Oliver Sherwood, who is a very talented trainer, who looked after one of my favourite horses ever, Eric’s Charm, and a lovely bloke who hires talented stablehands from across Europe. I am sure none of the residents of Cheltenham would have a problem with him being looked after by a gentleman from the Czech Republic. He comes into this having won the Hennessy Gold Cup, which is a very good race to win.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he’s got other things on his mind.
The Giant Bolster:
The Giant Bolster is a lovely horse with a name that reminds me of a big and comfy pillow. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by David Bridgewater, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke, who must be very proud of his horse. He was sired by Black Sam Bellamy, and I’m sure none of the residents of Cheltenham would have a problem with a father who was Black Sam Bellamy. I am not sure who the jockey will be at all, although Tom Scudamore might ride this if he doesn’t ride Dynaste. He comes into this having finished fifth in the King George, which is something. He has also run well in three Gold Cups, and one time he finished ahead of Time For Rupert, who is also a very good horse with very rational fans.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he’s a bit cold.
Double Ross:
Double Ross is a lovely horse with a name that reminds me of the fine town of Ross-on-Wye. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by Nigel Twiston-Davies, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke, and very humble and unassuming, too. He comes into this after deciding he didn’t want to run in the King George, which is fair enough. Would you want to go and run around and jump over some fences the day after Christmas? No, of course you wouldn’t.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he had a large meal the previous day and is still feeling a bit full.
Holywell:
Holywell is a lovely horse with a name that reminds me of a place of pilgrimage. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by Jonjo O’Neill, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke. Mr O’Neill also used to be an excellent jockey, which means he knows much more about horses than me. He will probably be ridden by AP McCoy, who is Champion Jockey for a very good reason. He comes into this having unseated his rider in a race at Aintree. Who are we to judge? He won a handicap at the Cheltenham Festival last year, beating Time For Rupert, who is a very good horse with very rational fans.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he’s been thinking about the civil war in the Central African Republic.
Theatre Guide:
Theatre Guide is a lovely horse with a name that makes me think of going to see a lovely musical. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by Colin Tizzard, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke. He’ll probably be ridden by Joe Tizzard, which means the Tizzards are a family with lots of experience of horses, unlike mine. I am sure none of the residents of Cheltenham would have a problem when it comes to the sort of person who would guide people in a theatre. He comes into this having dead-heated with Fox Appeal, who is also a very good horse.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he has been feeling a bit sore from running around a lot.
Smad Place:
Smad Place is a lovely horse with a name that makes me think of somewhere cosy and warm. He has always tried his best in his races and has been unlucky when he hasn’t won. He is trained by Alan King, who is a very talented trainer and a lovely bloke. He will probably be ridden by Robert ‘Choc’ Thornton. I am sure none of the residents of Cheltenham would have a problem with someone who’s nickname was Choc. He comes into this after coming fifth in the Hennessy behind Many Clouds, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
Verdict: I am sure that if he doesn’t win, it’s probably because he’s been feeling a bit sad lately.
OVERALL VERDICT:
I am sure all the horses will do their best and it will be a fun and exciting race.
DID YOU KNOW?: I used to think this race used to be called the Argento Chase because I thought there was a horse called Argento? Silly me. Obviously I am unworthy of an explanation, all because of things like that.
BlueSky @pghenn.bsky.social
So don't run, just like the others always do
Not quite up to VTC’s standard but a good effort FLD.
I’m going for the lovely horse who always tries his best, trained by the nice fella and ridden by the talented jockey
Thoroughly enjoyable preview FLD, very complex character that Holywell.
PS Don’t mind the haters, forumites tend to get a bit tetchy this time of year
I can’t compete with this Homer
FLD, your best race preview since the days of "Punchy"
I’m hoping the horse with the musical name wins, and the horse with cool name finishes second.
A shame Time for Rupert’s not running I hear the trainer say he’d wipe the floor with that lot.
Gaelic Warrior Gold Cup Winner 2026
A shame Time for Rupert’s not running I hear the trainer say he’d wipe the floor with that lot.
Interestingly – enough – and remembering VTC’s praise for my 2011 write up (which I appreciated), I thought I’d revisit that threat and see what people had to say about the Rupester (who, sadly, didn’t run, presumably so he could be kept fresh for the Festival. A wise choice, what with those four consecutive Gold Cups he won).
‘ Time For Rupert looks like a horse going places.’
And go places he most certainly did. No hanging around in the stables for TFR!
‘Time For Rupert who oozes class’
‘He was oozing a bit too much class’ was Paul Webber[PBUH]’s latest explanation for him not winning. Shame on the person who took delight in a horse’s pain.
‘Time for rupert looks like the real deal to me.’
Yup
‘Time for Rupert.
Time for Rupert.
Time for Rupert.’
What more can be said?
And, best of all
‘This horse [Time For Rupert, our Lord and Saviour, who had a succession of niggling injuries for our sins] is the most natural chaser you could ever hope to come acrooss [sic]……………he reminds me of Pendil but with stamina.
He’ll pick up these so called experienced chasers and carry them’
Interestingly enough, ‘picking up so called experienced chasers and carrying them’ was the second-but-last reason Paul Webber[PBUH] gave for TFR not winning. The person who thought TFR would hurt himself – and obviously took joy from it, the seal clubbing scumbag – should hang their head in shame.
(In retrospect, 2011 was a somewhat odd run-up to a Gold Cup. People were so determined to crab Long Run’s form, and to rule out Kauto Star (who admittedly had his weakest season ever), Denman and Imperial Commander that there was a lot of support for mediocre novice TFR and the late Pride Of Dulcote, who only ever finished ahead of five horses his entire chasing career, and was tipped up by Tom Segal using the tried and tested method of a blindfold, a pin, and a list marked ‘Paul Nicholls staying chasers who aren’t Kauto Star or Denman’.)
BlueSky @pghenn.bsky.social
So don't run, just like the others always do
A couple of trends that might be worth knowing when trying to find the winner…
All of the last 9 winners were rated 151 or higher, this takes out Theatre Guide on 149
7 or the last 8 winners had already won at Cheltenham which takes out Black Thunder, Many Clouds and Smad Place.
This leaves:
Dynaste
The Giant Bolster
Double Ross
HolywellGood luck !!
Who cares who wins the race?
As Jenny Pitman used to say:- "The important thing is that they all come home safe and sound"
Eight honest horses, eight honest trainers, eight honest jockeys (whoever they turn out to be), everyone trying their best in front of a crowd of nice people, with nice homes and all betting in aid of their favourite local horse charity, for horses not born as fast as their pals.
What could be better?
Based on this preview I feel I want to back the whole field, as they all sort of deserve to win it in their own way.
A great preview FLD but I must bring one note of negativity into the proceedings. You say that Rocky Bender is not an amusing name for a horse and I think it’s ****ing hilarious myself.
Thanks for the good crack. Time for me to move on. Be lucky.
Aww thanks. I’ll be Positive News’ racing correspondent before too long.
Sadly, I do have to call you out on something – finding the name Rocky Bender in even the slightest way amusing is obviously shamefully homophobic. Check your privilege etc etc etc…
BlueSky @pghenn.bsky.social
So don't run, just like the others always do
Aww thanks. I’ll be Positive News’ racing correspondent before too long.
Sadly, I do have to call you out on something – finding the name Rocky Bender in even the slightest way amusing is obviously shamefully homophobic. Check your privilege etc etc etc…
No Homophobia FLD, just a terrific image of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky, climbing in through the ropes wearing bra, stockings, suspenders and stiletto heels to take on Clubber Lang for the world title.
Farcically funny? Perhaps
Homoerotic? Well maybe
Homophobic? NeverThanks for the good crack. Time for me to move on. Be lucky.
Was worried about the weather tomorrow, so rang the BBC to get a weather forecast spoke with that Michael Fish bloke, I asked him if there would be many clouds about he laughed and assured me he was certain it would be a clear sunny day ……
I’ve still not forgiven him after his last infamous prediction
Many Clouds
for me
Nice work, FLD, I’ll opt for your lovely Theatre Guide at a juicy 25s – excellent value
was tipped up by Tom Segal using the tried and tested method of a blindfold, a pin, and a list marked ‘Paul Nicholls staying chasers who aren’t Kauto Star or Denman’.)
Duly tips up Black Thunder here…very prescient FLD.
What a fun and exciting race. Well done to Many Clouds and bad luck to the others, who all tried their very best.
In a personal level, I’m rather pleased to have tipped up the winner.
BlueSky @pghenn.bsky.social
So don't run, just like the others always do
That’s surely knocked the Dynaste/Gold Cup nonsense on the head for good. Ryanair can be the only sensible choice now.
Well done in tipping up the winner FLD, he’s just that bit nicer a horse and tries a little bit harder than the others. Delighted for the jockey, whoever it was that was on him today.
Thanks for the good crack. Time for me to move on. Be lucky.
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