Suicide

[Gingertipster]

Is your boycot of TRF now fully over BH?
Or do we need to find someone else to fill in your competition marking days? This weekend etc.

Value Is Everything

[ricky lake]

BH ,,,,welcome to Gingers world ….he has to have the last word

Ginger are you a nutjob too ????

[Mr. Pilsen]

Seems that depression has made this wretched guy change his name? He told us all he was called Simon, but seems to have told Ginge that he’s called Sejad Can’t see a connection between the two except that they both begin with the same letter.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_(given_name)

[Gingertipster]

BH ,,,,welcome to Gingers world ….he has to have the last word

Ginger are you a nutjob too ????

No, you’re on your own there Ricky Nutjob.

Always think it’s a bit daft claiming someone else "has to have the last word", when claiming such a thing realy means you want "the last word" yourself.

Doh!! I guess it’s me now!

Unless… Do you want the last word AGAIN Ricky?
Well, if this post stops you coming back with some more "witty banta" – it’s been worth writing it.

Lake and Mr P are enough to drive anyone to …….

Value Is Everything

[Mr. Pilsen]

Lake and Mr P are enough to drive anyone to …….

Drink, in lake’s case. Think, in my case

[Gingertipster]

Lake and Mr P are enough to drive anyone to …….

Drink, in lake’s case. Think, in my case

…I was thinking more the title of this thread.

Value Is Everything

[ricky lake]

The real nut job here is mr Holsten Pilsen ….but that’s another story
..Might have to start another thread

for now we should give BH a little breathing space, without slagging off

Tipstanut job …indeed

[Mr. Pilsen]

Lake and Mr P are enough to drive anyone to …….

Drink, in lake’s case. Think, in my case

…I was thinking more the title of this thread.

[Grimes]

GT, get over yourself. Whether knowingly or not, you’ve provided so much misinformation and misdirection on this thread regarding yours truly that I can’t even be bothered to start. Starve me of all the attention you want. I honestly won’t notice.

Just go for the straggler in the herd, Kotki, and you’re nailed on.

Obviously, I myself only rattle top crumpet (aka Mrs Grass), but given your precarious mental disposition, I think you should stick to boilers for the time being.

This is a scurrilous but hilarious thread, and who’d a thunk given its theme. Also, equally bizarrely in the circs, wise advice. Thanks for the key to the code you speak in Grassy. I was wondering where heating engineering came in.

Kokijet, you know when I was at school, I was told they was the best days of your life and, arguably, they were, although I was very fortunate to hitch up with my wife. But I seem to have been a manic depressive a lot of the time: either very depressed or absolutely euphoric and buzzing.

Now, I’m seldom ‘down’, never mind depressed, and on the face of it my life has been one of almost unremitting failure. Aimed low and didn’t reach targets. When I was young some of the happiest times of my life were alcohol-induced, but now drink just makes me miserable. It’s supposed to be a depressant, isn’t it?

I think reason is I’m not highly-strung now, and though I had a small heart-attack and triple-bypass op some years ago (8 maybe?), it turns out I now have slightly low blood-pressure, which seems to surprise the medical people. If, as they say, it’s a feature of top athletes, all I can say is, they’re going to have to re-write the medical books.

It’s since I became a Christian ‘religious nut’, in vulgar parlance(!) that I take one minute at a time, never mind, one day, and my mood is seldom anything but cheerful. Getting religion, a hot-line to God, doesn’t always grip people at the same time in their lives, of course, and some get ‘past the pearly gates’ (Matthew 25), seemingly, simply by the practical compassion they show towards others who are ‘under the cosh’, to borrow from racing’s wealth of metaphors.

But I don’t want to downplay the benefit and wisdom of ‘going straight to the top’, and not leaving till God or the Wheel, as my step-father used to call him, speaks to you – and inspires you to turn your life around. Hope is the key. If you have hope, you have everything. Without it, nowt.

Good luck and hope things look brighter for you and your Ma, soon.

Hi Grimes

Whilst it is true that this thread has been in hibernation for a few years, I did start this thread under my previous guise as Kotkijet. Please don’t at all feel silly for making your post as I enjoyed reading it immensely.

I’m not a man of god and I heavily doubt that that I ever will be. I personally believe that the questions of god, the metaphysical and highest whims of nature and the universe are too far beyond my breadth of understanding that I can never consciously put myself in any particular camp which in turn, leaves me incapable of holding any discernible faith. In a nutshell, I’m immovably agnostic but not fiercely so as I do hold a deal of respect for those who have it and I do not subscribe to the theory that a personal faith is harmful whilst it helps an individual. Indeed, my girlfriend is Muslim whilst my best friend is Christian so I can’t help but be tolerant of their belief systems.

To be clear, I have not been suicidal now for around four an a half years. My own issues with suicide are not things I care to dwell upon too much – particularly when I’ve not been having a great time of things (I’m back on the ADs for the time being) – which is why I was upset when this aspect of my past was dragged up out of malice. Interestingly, whilst this thread was more based on my toying with the idea of suicide, it was between July 2009 and around Spring 2010 when I was making active attempts. Ironically, it was the advice of Grasshopper that started the process as one of the "boilers" wound up having a devastating effect on my career, my family life and my general sanity. Indeed, if there is a hell, she would have been born there. But I’m over that now. I’ve forgiven her in the sense that she no longer exists to me and I’ve been able to get on with my life.

So whilst hitting the booze, drugs and "boilers" helped during my 2007 ponderances, they had quite the opposite effect during my 2009 struggle. Every time I’d go on a several day Bacchanalian excursion or stick a part of myself into another person (these activities typically went hand in hand), I’d found myself burrowing deeper and deeper into my own personal hell.

However, I agree with you 100% on the incalculable value of hope. I was in some fuggy haze one night whilst Liverpool were on the telly in the Champions League. It was before the game and the Liverpool fans were singing YNWA. When it got to the "with hope in your heart", tears immediately began flooding down my faced and I collapsed into a bawling heap. During my fight (with myself mostly), hope had been a glaring omission from my arsenal. Oddly enough, I’d been utterly low for months yet I didn’t shed a single tear – I’m not the crying type. But on that night, it occurred to me that even if there was absolutely nothing else (which I honestly believed was the case at the time), there is always, always hope.

Emerging from a prolonged period of suicidal ideation and a couple of stints of being locked up has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and probably will be. It took a great, often taxing deal of effort to pull myself through the darkest days and I always made sure I was occupied be it reading, writing, travelling, seeing people, building, even spending time alone in the wilderness. But "hope" was always at the forefront of the struggle.

I look back on those days as perhaps something that has made me stronger. Since 2009, I’ve lost a few pets including my beloved retired greyhound Bill, I’ve lost a nephew, I’ve broken up after a nine month relationship, I’ve lost my Granddad and I’ve had several other instances of "harsh fate" that I won’t get into here. But none of that has gotten the better of me. None of that has beaten me. A lot of it has hurt and even when nothing happens, I can still act out or teeter near a danger zone and in the future, I will time and time again (because I’ve accepted that I do suffer from depression that can pop up with or without any trigger or warning). But I’m always determined to keep a firm grip on the towel instead of throwing it in (a crap metaphor I know).

So yeah, thanks Grimes and to all the positive and mindful posters on here.

I think that’s me finished with this thread.

Don’t say that BH. Writing from the heart like that, you write very beautifully. Have you been studying a lot since the early days of the thread. You sounding very erudite in this post. I expect it’s that you’re more self-possessed these days.

In the old days the only remarkable thing about your writing style was your hilariously outlandish euphemism, replacing an ‘f’ with a ‘ph’! Unfortunately, I seem fated to retain a pagan sense of humour, developed in my youth as a raging anti-Catholic agnostic.

The thing with black moods, I think, is you know it’s temporary. Even if you don’t cheer up till the next day. In a sense, each day can be viewed as another life. As long as you don’t fret about things, least of all the future. Bad enough the past.

Here’s an inspiring account by Solzhenytsyn of an incident when he was in a Russian labour camp:

‘Along with other prisoners, he worked in the fields day after day, in rain and sun, during summer and winter. His life appeared to be nothing more than backbreaking labor and slow starvation. The intense suffering reduced him to a state of despair.

On one particular day, the hopelessness of his situation became too much for him. He saw no reason to continue his struggle, no reason to keep on living. His life made no difference in the world. So he gave up.

Leaving his shovel on the ground, he slowly walked to a crude bench and sat down. He knew that at any moment a guard would order him to stand up, and when he failed to respond, the guard would beat him to death, probably with his own shovel. He had seen it happen to other prisoners.

As he waited, head down, he felt a presence. Slowly he looked up and saw a skinny old prisoner squat down beside him. The man said nothing. Instead, he used a stick to trace in the dirt the sign of the Cross. The man then got back up and returned to his work.

As Solzhenitsyn stared at the Cross drawn in the dirt his entire perspective changed. He knew he was only one man against the all-powerful Soviet empire. Yet he knew there was something greater than the evil he saw in the prison camp, something greater than the Soviet Union. He knew that hope for all people was represented by that simple Cross. Through the power of the Cross, anything was possible.

Solzhenitsyn slowly rose to his feet, picked up his shovel, and went back to work. Outwardly, nothing had changed. Inside, he had received hope.

[From Luke Veronis, "The Sign of the Cross"; Communion, issue 8, Pascha 1997.]

You’re right to stop getting sucked into bickering with people on here. There’s no point. I know Ginge is as mad as a meat-axe. But he means well enough. Isn’t that right, Ginge? If somebody’s basic assumptions are too far from mine I know we’ll just be talking past each other.

PS:
Strange thing about tears. As adults, I think we seldom succumb to them for personal pain/suffering, but are much more likely to do so in response to someone else’s generosity of spirit. It might be just a brief look of compassion at a bereavement, as occurred to me when my step-father died. It actually took me by surprise, as I hadn’t been aware I’d felt it so deeply.

[gamble]

Kotijket’s/ B Hall’s long posting
is a gem and a rarity to behold indeed.
It would certainly be on my short list
as the best posting ever posted on TRF.

Grimes your reply was nearly in the same stratosphere
but the old posting describing time after your dear
late wife’s death was to my memory in a class of its own.

Pewter’s stand up and be counted was
another major work as he took on the new breed
of hijacking poster (like myself)
with huge strength and determination
– and his later exit from the forum
spiked his words with more fuel and effect.
Sadly few will remember this.

[ricky lake]

So then Sheep ….if BH is a good poster and I heartily agree …where do you class the Pilsen outrages ,,,,

Class of their own Id say

[Grimes]

Thanks for the compliment on my long post, Gamble. I’m glad you also enjoyed the one about my wife, Anthea ‘bolting off the track in the direction of the stables,’ and the wee blue tit, who told Si and me that she and The Wheel had sent him to tell us they were asking after us!

[Author]

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