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The Scots do have two higher levels. "Oh Damn The whisky’s run oot" and worst of all "Thae bluddy English have won the World Cup again – we’ll never hear the last of it".
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn’t). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I…I…I…I’m a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
He flipped after Cormack gave him a final warning about some of his posts. Don’t know all the details but I do miss the old git…..
Blackbeard to conquer the World
I used to train horses but it didn’t go very well & eventually the owners all moved their horses on.
My last owner was very confident of success mind, he’d planned to take him abroad.
His last words to me were, ‘oh we’re going to take him to France & winalot.’
Sorry.
Here’s one that’s not for the under 18’s
A group of primary school children go to the Ascot races to learn about horses. When it’s time to take the children to the toilet its decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting them up one by one over the urinal. As she lifts one boy she can’t help but notice that he’s unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare she says "You must be in Year 4". "No love", he replies, "I’m riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15".
King Goerge on January the 15th, i dont think there is a much bigger racing joke than that!!
Not a joke as such, but probably close enough to qualify (this was taken from one of those desk daily calendars). Made me smile!
A Racehorse – the only animal capable of taking 1000 men for a ride at the same time.
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Very old story, some of the younger members may not have heard.:
Arthur Stevenson used to tell this one at about every dinner party he attended and claimed it was true
A young apprentice was given the chance to ride an up and coming 3yo at Hamilton races. He trailed in stone last and was immediately pulled in by the stewards
What was that all about lad ? asked the steward.
"Don’t know what you mean Sir"
You were lying a long way out of your ground and never seemed to make any effort to get into the race what you were playing at?
Riding to the boss’s instructions sir?
What instructions were you given?
To hold him up Sir
Until when?
Until Ayr next Saturday sir!
The say the lad never rode for him again.
Engishman,Scotsman,Irishman visiting the vatican become detached from their guide,open a door to a room full of cardinals all in a panic as the poor pope is lying dead on the floor.They plead with the three strays to keep this secret for a few days so that the news can be broken gentle to the millions of followers.They agree but arriving back in the UK all three visit their bookies to place bets that the pope dies within a day or so.Getting odds of 33/1 on this happening they all meet up again some days later,the Englishman and Scotsman both arriving in style but Paddy appearing off a corporation bus."What happened to you they ask ,we both made fortunes on the bet didn’t you get on"
"to be sure I put on the bet said Paddy but I got a bit greedy and doubled it up with the Archbishop of Canterbury"apologies to our Irish readers
cheers eddie.
A very experienced jockey is is engaged to ride horse for a new trainer. The trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a fence, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first fence. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the fence, losing lots of momentum but not falling.
They carry on and approach the second fence. The jockey, still not convinced of the trainer’s advice but nevertheless having second thoughts, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump but luckily doesn’t fall.
At the third fence, the jockey thinks, "It’s no good, I’ll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody horse. What is he–deaf or something?"The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? You stupid oaf – He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”
A horse was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket.
"Any chance of a game?" he asked the captain.At first the captain was taken aback by the talking horse,
but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought
it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the horse out as opening bat.The horse shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six.
He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended.
He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end
and the captain managed his first hit for a meagre single he called for the horse to run.But the horse just stood there.
Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored
and in the confusion the skipper was run out."Why didn’t you run?" roared the captain.
"Listen mate," said the horse, "if I could run I’d be in the 3.15 at Kempton!
If you’re in Rome this evening Hoofski
hot sandal it down to the coliseum
to watch the man they call the spaniard
slicing testicles at will,
and arm bouncing lions until they look
like stuffed Macavities
Rumour in the citi has it that the secret
of his great strength lies in the
fact he has risen from the ashes of death,
and others say he was buried a man of letters
and learned from them the secret of Lazarus.
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