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Nathan …..More please , I suspect you have talent , so cmon lets have some more
Hoofski thanks for cheering me up
cheers
Ricky
I can see you are a good talent spotter Ricky not like that Simon off the X-Factor.
Did you think i was joking?
I don’t know why but people always buy me joke books.
Blackbeard to conquer the World
Had a cracking night out yesterday.
Went to see an Elbow tribute band and blimey they are so good you cannot tell one from the other.
Their name.
ARSE
In a hotel room Jim Morrison is standing in one corner with the rest of his band.
In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr.
All are naked.
Marianne Faithfull walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. Then starts on his guitarist, then moves on to his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she’s finished she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
Suddenly there’s a huge crash…. a Mini-Cooper smashes through the wall and Michael Caine jumps out. He grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts….
"Oi, Faithfull! you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
Firefox
There is a popular saying that the joke refers to and which some members might think applies to your good self
I possibly couldn’t comment on that
My European geography is rubbish.
I can’t tell my Aarhus from my Elbe.
(sorry).
gc
Adoptive father of two. The patron saint of lower-grade fare. A gently critical friend of point-to-pointing. Kindness is a political act.
A R S E
As you can tell it is one of the most offensive in the naughty word dictionary.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
And says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says.
‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you
Call your sister in Leeds and tell her.’
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like hell
They’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this,’
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT
Getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling
My brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Good news,’ he says,
‘The kids are coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.’Was told this was voted the best joke in Ireland!
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
Just got this emailed from a friend. Made me chuckle!
Not sure where it came from but suspect an Aussie origin. Whatever it takes the P out of most nations. Enjoy!The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Ba**ards" They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert stat e from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere…
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level
I might have laughed if you hadn’t beaten me out of sight in yesterday’s competition! All the same, congratulations on selecting Old Vic @ 20/1. Bet that put a smile on your face, Kevin.
Cheers,
Ken
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