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It is well known that
in the kingdom of the blind
the one-eyed man is king,
however this one ‘ king ‘ was unhappy and
his one eye suspicious.The totally blind all walked with their head down
but when they passed him
they would always look up disapprovingly
as if he wasn’t playing his part properly.Thanks, Jilly. Though I prefer that American version. I can visualise his voice rising in a crescendo better.
Some very funny shorter jokes too, I see (…said the blind man). We used to say that a lot in the army, but my wife thinks it’s very offensive. But actually, blind people do say, "I see", and would expect sighted people to do so, because they naturally want to speak/act and be treated as normally as possible. I’ve come across blind lads who were total tearaways.
I’m not saying I’d use that puerile joke in front of a blind person, mind you. Although if I were blind, I’d love jokes about blind people – though perhaps not if I’d been blind all my life.
One of your more darkly wry contributions, gamble. Wonderfully surreal.
An old man walks down the road and passes a new pub, and he can’t help but notice a sing in the window saying "Pies 50p, W@nks 10p"
He walks into the pub and sees a tall blonde busty bar maid behind the bar,
He ask’s "Are you the one who gives the w@nks"?
Yes she replies.
Then go and wash your hands. I want a pie!
A bloke walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says, ‘hey would you let me bite your breasts for £100?’
she says,’Are you mad?’
He says, ‘Ok,would you let me bite your breasts for £1000?’
she says, ‘I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?’
He says, ‘Ok, would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?’
she thinks about it and says, ‘Ok,just once,but not here.Lets go to that dark alley over there.’
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them – but not biting them.
The woman eventually gets annoyed and says, ‘Well? Are you going to bite them or not?’‘Nah,’ he says. ‘Costs too much.’
Blackbeard to conquer the World
We often have a filmstar themed evening of bizzarre noshing at the Kent Curry House and yesterday was no exception.
After the success of last weeks ‘Bruce Willis’s Scatology Night’ we went for eating human flesh whilst the waiter, Abdul, quoted lines from Swayze’s finest flicks.
He’d come up with a few good ones like "My way or the highway" from Road House and "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. " from Point Break.
Anyway, following the starters I ordered a mild curry made from the meat of a young infant.
‘Abdul Swayze’ returned a few moments later looking quite apologetic and said to me "Sorry Sir, chef won’t make your chosen main course"
"Really" said I, "Why ever not?"
"Well" he said…
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"…Nobody puts baby in a Korma"
Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.
One of the jockey’s trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him – he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly recognisable.
Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body. "No, thats not him," said the trainer.
They pull back the sheet on the second. "Nope, thats not him."
The third. "No, that aint him either."
After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that’s the b*st*rd."
The mortician said, "that’s amazing: these bodys are burnt to a *****ng crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"
And the trainer said, "he has been my jockey for 3 years…..and he’s never in the first three."
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever ‘Easter European’ scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsburys for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It’s impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case Lidl in Grimsby. You agree and they get in the back-seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also September 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.
So Be Warned!
ps Lidl are selling wallets at £2.99 eachI was going out with an Eastern European last year, couldn’t have met a more unbalanced, two faced minger if I tryed.
I now know she wasn’t looking behind the bed for her dirty knickers.
Marble: It was supposed to be a joke, a joke! I suppose I should take umbrage at your remarks as my nom de plume should give a hint of my origins. Then again, there is no point in knocking if there’s no one in.
"The best drink of the day is the thought of having your first drink of the day"
I thought it was funny Hoofski, it cheered me up in fact because
my job sucks
my football team sucks
my girlfriend doesn’t
Blackbeard to conquer the World
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