February 5, 2007 at 08:18 #4390
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.<br> The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.<br> The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.<br> THE END
<br> THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â house and laying up supplies for the winter.<br> The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.<br> A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.<br> The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â table laden with food. The British press inform people that they Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,while others have plenty.<br> The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house.<br> The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".<br> Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â charge for squirrels to enter inner London . In response to Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â of the summer.<br> The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed.<br> He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â be socially mobile.<br> The squirrel’s food is seized and re distributed to the more needy Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â members of society, in this case the grasshopper.<br> Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice.<br> On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain ‘s Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â apparent love of dogs.<br> The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.<br> Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â government funding is blamed for the grasshopper’s drug ‘illness’.<br> The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â since arrival in UK . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.<br> He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â botched robbery.<br> A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â£10,000,000 and Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â state the obvious, is set up.<br> Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â obvious failure of government to address the root causes of Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.<br> The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â United Kingdom . The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.<br> The squirrel? He moved to Spain …
THE END<br>February 5, 2007 at 12:36 #104504roryParticipant
- Total Posts 2685
That’s the stuff Grassy ~ don’t let the b*****d
s grind you down.February 5, 2007 at 12:56 #104505FactormanParticipant
- Total Posts 390
You believe in GOD, you must surely know the nature of man that will corruct any system.February 5, 2007 at 14:08 #104506
I’ve no time for smoking grasshoppers.
.. nature of man! A question on its own perhaps ?February 5, 2007 at 16:59 #104507
With some editing and a decent ending, that could almost have been funny, DaveFebruary 5, 2007 at 17:02 #104508
Just noticed, it was from your inbox, so I withdraw me sarcasmFebruary 5, 2007 at 17:05 #104509
Wouldn’t the Christian version of this tale involve the squirrel sharing his food and shelter with the grasshopper? Long time since I looked at a Bible, but I don’t recall anything about Jesus refusing to share his loaves and fishes on the grounds that his audience should have thought ahead and packed a lunch.February 5, 2007 at 17:10 #104510
Or am I taking it too seriouslyFebruary 5, 2007 at 17:35 #104511
Zut Alors Aranalde, you’ll be complaining and trying to get a claim in next .. just like a cat .. :biggrin:February 5, 2007 at 17:47 #104512
I hate cats. No, I’ll rephrase that. I hate cat owners. I hate amusing cat photographs, cat calendars, mugs with cats on and people who can’t be arsed to fit bells to their mangy flea-ridden moggies who then proceed to slaughter every song bird within a ten mile radius.
Grrrr…. (and that was a canine, not a feline growl)
Lot of time for squirrels though. Salt of the earth. Gawd bless ’emFebruary 5, 2007 at 18:57 #104513MeshaheerMember
- Total Posts 486
I found it quite amusing :biggrin:February 5, 2007 at 20:12 #104514lollys mateMember
- Total Posts 625
"Bronze swimming badge 1984"!
Back stroke was it ?February 5, 2007 at 20:21 #104515davidbradyMember
- Total Posts 3901
Quote: from lollys mate on 8:12 pm on Feb. 5, 2007[br] "Bronze swimming badge 1984"!
Back stroke was it ?
Breast stroke!February 5, 2007 at 20:25 #104516insomniacParticipant
- Total Posts 1453
Can’t help noticing from some of your recent posts Dave that you’re getting just a little p*****d off with the state of the country.<br>February 5, 2007 at 20:29 #104517lollys mateMember
- Total Posts 625
Can you blame him insomniac?
<br> Tell me what we have to look forward too please.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.