Life Advice Needed!

[Ben_Bernanke]

Hello ladies and gents, I’m sorry for burdening you with my current issues, I’m just at a real cross-roads and not sure what to do. Also I apologise for the long-wordy message here, I just feel I have to explain the situation as fully as I can. Some of you will already know some of the details below but I’ll put them in anyway for those that don’t. I should also apologise for my lack of posting on here recently, I often disappear for a week or two, mainly due to depression to be honest, a lot of the time I hate myself and just don’t want to talk to anyone because I’m in too much of a miserable mood.

So I’m now 30, 31 in February and since I left school I floated from job to job hoping to find something that both paid well and made me truly happy – I went from childcare, to security guard to Estate Agent, however 3 months into that Estate Agency job I was furloughed due to Covid and then 3 months later I was let go by the company once my probation period had ended, this experience really put me off the industry as I also had a manager who was a wana-be Jordan Belfort. I think looking back I was too quick to write of pursuing that career further. I decided it would be smart to go to university and start a full degree in Sports Psychology to chase a job I’d enjoy.

However, at this time I was smoking a lot of weed (and had done in the years prior, but fortunately I’ve stopped now) and this ruined my relationship with an amazing woman, she finally split up with me this summer (it was completely my fault, I just didn’t put her first when I should have) and this is something that I’m still not over, 4 months after she left me it still hurts a lot because I blame myself completely. One of the reasons we would argue was because I decided to go to University, however, she would call it selfish, because previously we’d spoken about starting a family, now that she has left me I kind of realise it was a bit selfish even if it felt like the right thing to do, reflecting on this has sort of made me realise my priorities have changed – I really truly miss her and I feel like the idea of just having a job and a family is what would make me happy now, rather than pursuing another 4 years of studying for a job that, if I wanted to be good at, would require a lot of my time and energy. Seeing all of my friends move in with their partners and having kids over the past 12 months has really opened my eyes, that would legitimately make me happy, not slaving away in a job.

I did the foundation year of the degree last year and was meant to start the first proper year of the degree in London this September, however mid-summer (a couple of weeks before my ex left me) my landlord served me my notice so I had a couple of months to find somewhere to live. Unfortunately with the London rental market being insanely expensive at the moment I would have had to work 40 hours per week alongside studying full time, something that just wasn’t feasible. So I decided to transfer my degree down to the South Coast and move back in with my mum and do the degree down here, away from my old life and all of my friends.

But since moving down here I’ve been completely lost, I feel lonely, I try getting along with the people at uni but they’re almost all 18 or 19 and I just don’t have much in common with them. I’ve been keeping myself busy by joining a gym and working doing deliveries 5 nights per week. But I haven’t learned anything at uni, I’ve been attending most lectures but none of the information is going in, my head is such a mess I just cant seem to learn, I passed one essay 60% without knowing what I was writing about but failed another (35%, also having no idea what I was writing about). I have exams in January and while it’s not the hardest stuff to learn I can’t seem to retain the information at the moment, I can’t stop beating myself up over past mistakes, it’s incredibly frustrating that I can’t just move on and get my confidence back.

Really, what I want to know is, do you think I should stick out this degree? I’d have to do a Masters at the end of it and really feel like a nice family would make me happy. But in thinking that am I just chasing a life that I’ve already lost? My ex wanted me to try getting back into estate agency and I dismissed her on this because I thought I knew best, like I always think I do. Am I just looking in the past and failing to move on? I mean if I got back into estate agency I still wouldn’t be able to get her back so that ship has sailed. I think one of the major things putting me off carrying on this degree is I’ve tried dating apps and 9/10 of the women stop replying to me as soon as they find out I’m a first year student, women want a man in job, not someone who’s studying for the next 4 years, at least on dating apps anyway, and for that I can’t blame them.

Has anyone else experienced their priorities changing at this stage of their life? Or am I only feeling this way because I just miss company as I don’t get to see my friends and more and my lack of happiness in life and heartbreak is clouding my judgement?

Sorry for unloading all of this on you lads and ladies, I’m just finding it almost impossible to think clearly and am really unsure of what to do. I’ve never been so unhappy over the christmas period and I don’t like this time of year at the best of times as it is.

EDIT – Oh yes I should update you all on that Bangladeshi woman, basically realised I was just trying to cover over my pain by replacing the ex with any bird that would give me the time of day, that wasn’t sustainable and I couldn’t commit to a woman that lives thousands of miles away, she was moving too fast and I was going along with it because at the time it was easing my pain. If she lived here it’d be a different story mind.

[IanDavies]

I wouldn’t profess to be an expert on life, or relationships, but I do know this much.

– It can be hard to find direction in life at any age.

– You need to do what makes you, not others, happy – you weren’t put on this Earth to do what others want.

– You won’t succeed in any career if your heart isn’t in it – few dream as a child of being an estate agent when they grow up so, unless you have a passion for it, swerve it.

– Relationships are over rated and craving one too much gives you a terrible dynamic with whoever you’re with – a relationship is something to want, not need.

– You’re still only 31 – you’ve got forever to settle down and have a family.

– You’re at uni to get a degree, not make friends, it doesn’t matter who is around you. Complete the degree if you enjoy it and can see a pathway you want from it, otherwise what are you doing it for?

– Get off the weed, face life with a clear head and most important of all remember this…..

Constitution Hill didn’t become odds-on favourite for the Champion Hurdle by smoking dope and moping over women!

I am "The Horse Racing Punter" on Facebook
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[Nathan Hughes]

I think uncle Ian’s advice is spot on 100%

Blackbeard to conquer the World

[Ben_Bernanke]

Cheers for the wise words Ian, Nathan too!

Yeah I’ve never craved a relationship until now, I’ve really lost myself, used to be the happiest person on earth but I couldn’t be further from that at present, I just wish I could get back to who I was but I can’t see a way there at the moment! I also never craved any old job, but again this is something I’ve only just started to think – most likely due to it being the easy way out and also a large part of that has been my lack of success dating pretty women the last few months – anyone half decent loses interest when they find I’m a student so again it’s me just wanting the easy, short-route to happiness. But then I also think what women is going to want me in a few years when I’m 35 and have no savings in the bank and no property, I’ll be 15 years behind most career wise by then!

[Richard88]

Good on you for sharing Ben, it’s a stereotype but men do often find it harder to talk, open up etc (I know I do) so if that’s you then you’re already off to a good start. Simply by writing all that out you’ve made progress.

You certainly come across as a thoroughly decent and intelligent chap from your postings on here so I’ve no doubt in your ability to complete this course. Laying off the Moroccan Woodbines will hopefully help your head in more ways than one, as you no doubt know it can mess with your memory amongst other things. Whether or not you should carry on with the degree is if course much harder to answer. For what it’s worth, I nearly jacked my degree in at the start of the second year but for whatever reason persevered and am very glad I did. I was however the same age as everyone else so your situation is a bit different.

You say one of your main concerns is that being a student will turn women off you. I personally wouldn’t let that put you off it. You only need to meet one if she’s the right one. As Ian says, don’t go chasing it, it will happen. I was the same, I was essentially getting nowhere for years with relationships and then one day it just happened.

‘I mean if I got back into estate agency I still wouldn’t be able to get her back so that ship has sailed.’

You say you are struggling to move on but those words do show a level of acceptance of the situation at least so I’d say you’re somewhere down the road of moving on.

One last thing for now and I know it obvious but KIDS ARE FOREVER, so think very carefully before going down that road. It’s probably the biggest commitment you can make in life so you need to be 100% sure first.

Sorry if that’s a bit all over the place, just typing out stuff as I think. If I come up with anything else I’ll stick it here.

[Ben_Bernanke]

Thanks a lot Richard, I think a lot of whats been getting me down is comparing my current life to the life I feel like I could be living if I’d decided to settle down with a regular job. I guess I’m only seeing the negatives of my current life and the positives of the ‘could have had’ life, not really rationale at all but it’s hard to be rationale when you’re heads a mess! Hence me asking the intelligent folks of this forum like yourself and all others for advice!

From reading what you chaps have said I should really just suck it up, firm through the degree and come out of it the other side and find happiness in myself again, these will lead me to becoming a more eligible bachelor without, like you chaps have suggested, ever trying to force it. As you said Richard it’s always the way that the harder we look the harder it is find and you really do have to just do your own thing and wait for the right one to come along….Phil Collins said it best, some things you can’t hurry! I’ve always wanted the quick fix, hence the years of smoking way too much cannabis and previous gambling problems in my early 20s!

[Steeplechasing]

Hiya Ben,

Good advice from Ian and there isn’t much wrong with a person who can ask publicly for advice. From a viewpoint almost 40 years beyond yours and having spent the last 15 years or so on depression/anxiety medication (eventually realising that my mind has never been anything but chaotic since I was a kid – I just believed everybody thought that way 🙂 – Here’s what I would have changed:

I would not have married until early to mid forties
I would never go into a long term relationship with anyone who walked out on me and stayed away for 4 weeks, never mind 4 months. Unless most of the general population would cross the street to avoid you, wait for a woman whose driving force is to be with you for no reason other than just that. Not ‘putting her first’ is another sign it wouldn’t have worked out. When you are with someone you love, you naturally ‘put them first’ as they do with you; it takes no thought or planning.

I was raised to believe all women were to be put on a pedestal – perhaps the mostly costly advice I’ve ever had, emotionally, at least. Every human has the same basic wants and needs, and faults.
Work hard on banishing guilt – it corrodes your mind and personality like aggressive rust, and it serves zero purpose. There’s nobody above the ground who hasn’t done something they regret. Just make sure you regret, reflect then forget it. (see link at foot that might help, as well as making you smile)
Estate Agent doesn’t strike me as a pressure free job, and in the end, for even those who say they thrive on pressure, it’s never really a servant, always a master, and it will wear you out. I recall meeting a guy in his late forties who’d been a top exec somewhere with the usual perks, but he left to be a postie, and loved it; it completely changed his life.

One thing I hated almost all my days was working for somebody, having a boss. The only time I could stand it was if the boss really knew what he was doing. The number of total numpties I’ve seen – particularly in board rooms and with fat salaries – astonishes me. I’ll take a pull here, as I’m in danger of kicking off big time. Before I do I will tell you the most important lesson I’ve learned and the one for which I’m most grateful – Nobody Knows Anything. The writer William Goldman (Butch Cassidy, Marathon Man, All The President’s Men) first used this expression when writing about Hollywood, where execs were paid fortunes to come up with successful movies, yet not one of them could predict how any movie would be received by the public. So Goldman warned that whatever you see on the outside, smart talk, grand houses, fine titles, huge salaries – almost everybody you will ever meet – the Prime Minister, head of The Met, Elon Musk, The Pope – are winging it and always have been: Nobody Knows Anything.

No matter what officials are around you or where you might feel in the pecking order, act on your instincts first. Nothing against evaluating what you hear, but act on what you think is best; you are as smart and capable as anyone else. You are just one of those not winging it.
As to earning a living, if you can find something, as Ian said, that doesn’t feel like work, it’ll be a joy. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can earn enough to get by from doing something you love as against 10 grand a month doing something you hate, pick the first one. You write really well. Freelance writing, God knows, is a bloody tough gig, but there are thousands making a go of it and sleeping peacefully at night. If you can add photography to your writing, that will help you get work (drop me a line if I can help on this: steeplechasing@icloud.com)

And, as Ian mentioned, never be concerned about what other people – acquaintances, colleagues etc – think of you, because you’ll start living life for them rather than you.
And, easily said, but try not to worry about tomorrow. There hasn’t been a day yet in your life that you didn’t get through, so leave that to itself.

Finally, please see your GP. From personal experience, you can wait much too long, because your mind, your emotions adjust to you slipping deeper and deeper each day, a centimetre at a time until you are quite badly mentally ill. I don’t know if you wear glasses? I’ll always recall getting my first pair in my late twenties (urged by my wife, as I thought my vision was okay) It was January, 5pm, dark and snowing quite heavily, swirling around the orange street lights, and I came out of the opticians into what felt a wonderland of visual astonishment; I recall laughing with joy. Well, that’s the way your mind can get and it’s only when the right medication is found (that can take months, but is well worth persevering with) that you discover just how unwell you have been and for such a long time. If you take nothing else from these words, please take this.

Good luck. Have a peaceful Christmas. Much love.
Joe

And here’s Willie Nelson with There’s Nothing I can Do About It Now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRGpr7VansU

[Ghost of Rob V]

One thing I’ve learned from life is don’t dwell in the past because it’ll chew you up from the inside-out. Yes, it’s easier said than done but, with strong willpower, you can put those regrets into the recycle bin of your mind. The past cannot be changed but see it as a learning curve where those regrets can be converted and prepare you for future goals and keep you from going off the rails.

[Richard88]

‘I think a lot of whats been getting me down is comparing my current life to the life I feel like I could be living if I’d decided to settle down with a regular job. I guess I’m only seeing the negatives of my current life and the positives of the ‘could have had’ life’

I totally get that and felt the same for a while. I ‘started’ life a bit late too and so ended up ‘behind’ others who got on with it. Honestly, forget it, doesn’t matter now. Look forward which it appears you already are! You can get away with dicking around in your 20s, too much drink/drugs/gambling etc. After that, not so much. I drank way too much and punted more than was healthy in my early/mid 20s. Get that s*** under control (sounds like you have) and you’re halfway there. Women won’t be interested in a bloke in his 30s who sits around getting baked all day, they might just see something in a guy who is bettering himself by getting educated and trying to find a decent job.

‘Hence me asking the intelligent folks of this forum like yourself and all others for advice!’

I and others have said this but it bears repeating, you ARE one of the intelligent folks of this forum.

It is fantastic to see so much great advice minutes after it was requested with no doubt more to come.

[BigG]

It’s never easy and that’s the truth Ben. But you have to start somewhere, and
loking back at yesterday only exists in yor mind, it’s gone. The first step
is you need to speak to someone. Go to your GP and Tell him you need to speak
to somenone. To get this out of your head you need to talk it through, be honest
tell it as it is, line and verse.You will feel better for it.

Drugs is something I’m very well versed in, and I know it’s easy to say just stop,
its not that easy. I beleve you mentioned cocaine a while back and that’s atough
one to get over. If you hang about with dealers, and there are plenty at the uni,
and everywhere for that matter, you have to give them a big swerve. It’s the easiest
way to fall back into it. So I’m not Talking about about cold turkey, again there are
agencies. seek them out. People can say they are just do-gooders I know persoally
of many tough men, who it was hard to get to go, but it turned their lives around,

Get clean, and with a clear head decide what you really want to do. It’s a well know
phrase, but it’s NEVER to late. What you don’t want to do is find yourself 5 years
down the line still living with the deamons of the past. Just marrying with no rospects and
the kids you want is pipedeam, for now. It may seen like the the way out, bur trust
me married with kids and probably living off the dole is not what it’s cracked uo to
be.

You’re a deep thinking guy and in someways that can make life harder. It can also be
a boon if you have taken steps towards where you want to be. my oldest son didn’t find
what he wanted until he was 31,and he was over 40 when, after by chance meting a beautiful
girl that he now has, he became a Dad after 40. He couldn’tbe hapier

There’s a song by John Stewart called “Strange Rivers”, lsten to it if you can,it’s about
where the river has various splits and what way you go determins a lot.

I siscerely wish you the best of luck my friend, its all out there if you are preoared to
find it. I know you can do this, never give up hope.If one thing kicks you in the goolies,
feck it, go onto the next. Don’t ever give up hope

[BigG]

[He Didnt Like Ground]

Morning all , lots of good advice , all I can say reading Ben’s comments

Uni sounds like a chore , if your heart isn’t in it you won’t do yourself justice , if you want out get out , there are loads of jobs out there , with a clear head see if there is anything you want to try

As everyone has said get away from the drugs , when your anxious or depressed then like alcohol it’s the last thing you want to be near , my 2 fall backs are walking and reading when I’m anxious , both cheap and walking esp let’s me clear my mind , one 5 miles walk one day I made 2 of the biggest choices in my life , neither regretted

Also bare in mind it’s xmas/new year and most people are having a good look at life , where they are and where there going , it’s natural to look at others and think they have it all together , just remember sometimes the lawn next door ain’t grass but astroturf …. Fake and cheap

Also I came off Facebook and all sim apps a month ago ….best thing I ever did ….. I don’t need friends …just Cheeza,s comments on biscuits and CH

Try and enjoy Xmas , spoil your Mum ….. And if you know what’s going to win the KG don’t be shy in telling us

Merry Xmas Ben

[Colin Phillips]

Ben, I think you are suffering from an early “mid-life crisis”, mine came a little later in my life. When you are married with two children and a mortgage you have to take a responsible safety-first attitude to life I.e. stick with a job that you believe ‘is for life’. However at age 43 I was offered redundancy. There was on option to move inside the industry but living in Wales and my daughters receiving a bi-lingual education that wasn’t on. So again I had to go for what looked the safe option. I became a sub-postmaster. Not a good decision and I hated every minute of it. So I sold it as quickly as possible – it took nine years to sell. So I’m 51 reasonably secure financially but still had to find some sort of employment. Worked for a local bookmaker and did some voluntary work with ‘Riding for the Disabled’. So I asked myself what did I really want to do. “Work with horses, preferably racehorses” so that is what I did.

Yours’ is a different situation, you are 20 years younger, no mortgage, no family – the world is your lobster?? Seriously, forget about the past relationships, unhappy work experience and ask yourself what do I really want. It may seem unattainable but if you want it enough it can be done.

Cliche warning, the rest of your life is a blank canvas and today (or tomorrow) is the first day of the rest of your life.

Go for it, Ben, it really is all in your own hands.

I hope your coming on here and sharing helps and admire your courage in doing it.

Wishing you the very best of luck whichever path you choose.

[moehat]

During our student years we shared a house with someone a few years older who was a permanent student. He seems to have aimlessly flitted from job to job throughout his life but a mutual friend told me the other day that, now that the rest of us have retired, Nigel, the perpetual student, has an amazing job in London. He’s in his mid seventies! It’s never too late. And thirty is nothing. Still plenty of time, Ben. Take care x

[befair]

Plenty of godd and considered advice here Ben, my respect for the Forum has increased. You are still young to my eyes, so I’ll limit my advice to say that exercise is the wonder drug; nothing too extreme, but everything feels better after a walk in the woods

[Marlingford]

Well done for speaking up Ben, and sending a virtual hug. My only advice is to listen to the excellent advice given here by so many forumites.

How fantastic is this forum? There can’t be many places on the internet where you could get such wise and well-considered counsel.

PS – In an unexpected development, I think Ian Davies could embark on a new role in 2023 as an agony uncle 🙂

[He Didnt Like Ground]

Uncle Ian , tea biscuits and friendly advice … .on second thoughts if you want friendly advice dont touch his biscuits

[Author]

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