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Hi everybody
I have a friend and his name is Liam Yliad. I say he’s a friend though he’s more of an annoying bast@rd I bump into every now and then. He’s quite popular amongst the old and wealthy. I usually see him on the bus to work or at well established workplaces but more often than not, I find him in the pub. Largely because this is where his outrageous opinions seem to flow more freely and easily.
Outrageous opinions this fellow most certainly doth have. For example, he firmly believes in a family unit even though it isn’t a cure all. He’s so fickle that he sees family as a strength that all humans who have ever procreated should abide by. Despite the fact that most Ma & Pa situations hit the skids in todays modern society. (I know this because I have met more that a few dozen people who live in the real world) I guess this is why he’s so anti abortion and into bringing unwanted children to the world. Don’t ask me why, he’s a nutter. Also, he isn’t too keen on people who in spite of stimulating the economy (kinda like in the slave trade days) aren’t at least 200th generation British born and bred. That and he was sympathetic to Mosley, Hitler, Mussolini and other nazis in his youth but forgive and forget hey?
Another opinion he has is that of the REAL scurge of Britain’s non-tax-dodging scummy underbelly….the urban mugger. Liam has never been mugged himself. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t know anybody personally that has been. Though he is always more than about-to-cum-in-his-pants-happy to tell you about the 85 year old coffin dodging granny who was viciously mugged by 4 cowardly coloured youths.
Now as a rule, I don’t believe a word that Liam YIiad ever says and I often ponder if his vision of Britainia is worse than it actually is. This is why I took it upon myself to see how a real mugger working in a real slummy city goes about his nightly business. Here’s what happened…
(details of location, affiliations and image have been distorted since I’m not a grass)
It was around 00:23am and I was strolloing merrily along Whathyoucallit Road after having a wonderful session of hugging and whatnot with my partner. Shortly after crossing a main road, I was approached by a young gentleman who was earning his wage. Tall, dark (clothing)muscular, and brandishing a sharp and shiny object, he was wearing a bandana across his face. Obviously a modest man who didn’t strive for recognition. A true professional with, dare I say it, eyes you could just swim in.
Firstly, he asked me where I was from. I can only guess but I think he wanted to adapt his accent so I would understand him better. But wanting a fully authentic localised mugging experience, I merely replied that I was from down the road. He wasn’t too pleased about the response and dug into me a couple of times to make it clear that he had a job to do. Which is fair enough considering he left that probing to rest. He then invited me to a side street where he could do his business more discreetly. Being quite unfamiliar with the area (I tell a lie, I actually boned somebody who lived down said side street just weeks before the incident) I didn’t want to go down said path. He did ask me if I wanted him to phucking drag me there but after reasoning he waivered and was happy to do his stuff on the mainish road.
Now this will come as a surprise to a few of you but my mugger was quite the orator. He used a harsh and fast vernacular which to my tribulation was difficult to understand. Although I did make out that I was making him ‘switch’ (whatever the funk that means), he was representing the Dorchester Insane Puppies and as part of the expedition, he stressed that where I was stood was where the killings happen so I shouldn’t take the pish. So to speak.
Anyways, I digress so without further ado, I’ll get to the money shot. He asked me where the phones were at, to which I presented him my debilitated Nokia no-name. Not content with the brick, he asked where the other phones were at but unfortunately for him, I wasn’t the middle class southern student scummer he was used to working with. So he put me under scrutiny as to where the dough was at. I felt pretty bad for not being able to compensate him for his hard word and valour but again, I wasn’t the middle class southern student scummer he was used to working with.
After a swift, though alluring, frisk, he decided that my phone wasn’t worth aquiring when compared to the jail time he would unduly get. Especially when you compare that to the time corporate tax dodgers and arms dealers usually get (i.e fu<k all).
He returned my phone to myself and was even kind enough to instruct me as to how to get the flick out of his face.
All in all, I found this ordeal to be anything but. I was able to make contact with some literal eye candy, learn much about local culture and was given the opportunity to help a person poorer than me become fleetingly wealthy.
What I learned is that the scummiest of scum aren’t that bad a breed if you bother to get where they’re coming from. More importantly, it is a stupid and retarded folly to strive for having a nice phone and the benefit of cash in pocket. Anybody who does get mugged of ”their” stolen possesions (property is theft remember!) deserves what they get and if they any dignity and decency whatsoever, they wouldn’t consider the mugger to be an enemy. Rather an unfortunate cast off from society for who incarceration is nothing more than a badge of honour.
This has been Kotkijet reporting from the streets of the best city in Britain which happens to be up North. Should you want to challenge me on my opinion of the situation then be my guest. But be warned, I’ve been there and felt it for myself. So if you haven’t been there and felt it, I suggest you shut the ****
up, keep your opinions to yourself and refrain from wanting to see justice because you simply have no ****
ing idea what you’re going on about. This also applies to each and every MP I can think of.Good day :)
I hate thieving myself, both on a personal and corporate level, corporate thieving being far worse.
I think that if you go to work and you are paid for doing a task that you wouldn’t have otherwise undertaken then you have a right to keep what you have earned. Be that a pension or a mobile phone.
As for muggers, private individuals and corporations .. I would jail the lot of them.
Pretty good story though, I bet you $hit a brick really .. :biggrin:
As Kotki knows, we generally disagree on most things.
No change here – I can barely find a word in that diatribe that I agree with!
Kotki
You’re talking complete pish.
"an unfortunate cast off from society"
Interesting.
Wasn’t that Korean guy that shot up all those students "an unfortunate cast off from society" too?
As I said, "complete pish".
Steve
Three out of four ain’t bad Kotki! Wonder if you’ll be ruing the one that got away for long?
;)
On the subject of crime I’ll like to tell you good folks about one of the funniest things I have ever seen. <br>About 10 years ago I was living in an appartment in the centre of Dublin.Our appartment was on the fourth floor and looked out on a lane that ran parallel between two streets. There were renovations going on in a building on the opposite street to our own and all the builder’s equipment, bricks and what not where in the lane at the back of said building.<br>One lovely summer evening I had arrived home from work and was relaxing in our sitting room. I muted the T.V because I was convinced I could hear a siren. Sure enough I recognised a police siren, once you live in a city centre for a while you learn to tell the difference between the noise of ambulances, squad cars and fire engines. The siren was getting very close, it turned out to be a police car in hot pursuit of a pair of joy riders in a honda civic.<br>We heard the screech of tyres,<br>my ‘current’ wife and I lept up from the couch and ran to the open sitting room window. We leaned out just in time to see the civic, which had turned up a link between the street behind us and the lane, skiding into a large pile of sand which was being used for the renovations, hotly pursued by the police car. <br>The two thugs jumped from their stolen ride, the passenger legging it one way down the lane, the driver headed in the other direction. The cop car was only seconds behind. Even before it came to a halt, Starsky OR Hutch like, the young cop in the passenger seat was out and running.His target stumbled and was quickly nabbed. <br>The older copper, who had been driving, was having alot less luck. He could only huff and puff as he watched the driver of the the stolen civic sprint to his escape. The young gurrier turned his head mid stride to taunt his pursuer. " F***KING MUPPET" he shouted, the missus nudged me just at this moment, pointing at one the builders who was bracing himself behind a cement mixer. The thug ran behind the mixer and turning his head around from his goading he was just in time to see the builder step out and lift his shovel in front of his face. SMACK. Direct hit. The brickie ‘clothes lined’ him beautifully. The old and very unfit copper hunched over the groaning joy rider, hands on knees, between two very deep breaths managed to squeeze out two words……… "F""KING MUPPET".<br>Living in that appartment we witnessed countless fights, many drug deals and drug taking, illicit encounters, better than any soap opera( not hard ). Unsurprisingly we were broken into ( very little taken ), the missus couldn’t relax after that so we moved. Exciting times, lol. :)
If that had happened in the UK the builder would have got prosecuted and jailed and the thief would have received compensation.
Good story though .. :cheesy:
Hi everybody
I have to say I’m one hell of a writer. Especially when one considers that this was written during day two of a maffis drinking binge. Naturally one or two spelling mistakes happened, I was a little supportive of puppydogeyes and I was a little aggressive with the would be respondants who hadn’t been mugged but all in all, I stand by every word.
Hi dj<br>Glad you liked it and funnily enough I didn’t. I saw it coming seconds before it did so I was able to prepare myself mentally. That and it wasn’t the first time it happened to me.
insomniac<br>True but then they wouldn’t have made Dumplings which was a very enjoyable film.
Maggiebabes<br>What exactly did you disagree with?
Hi steve<br>That Korean guy was an out-cast. World of difference and besides….. actually not enough time has passed for me to make a pishpoor joke about him being a hero for doing what so many of us have dreamt of doing but could never muster.
Hi non vintage <br>Not getting you:(
Hey Jim<br>I’m glad you picked up on that. Although I am concerned as to whether or not it took you an entire day to spot it or to come up with the amusing pun.
lol 4 heffo
- Total Posts 2553
Kotkijet, the only person who could outdo gamble in a contest for the self-indulgent poster of the year. Oh, and the obvious other one would be in with a chance of course
And now- back to 2021 for me
I win this one hands down.
The jet was high on maffis
so it looks to me like
it was maffis who wrote
the splendid unadulterated
action man guff not Kotki or his vegetarian jet pack, or his below the belt sidekick Paddy the bloody infuriating Paddy.
Rock on Tommy – I’ll get me *rse shot off and mail it back to myself second class post to give me time to get me boots on.- Total Posts 2553
You are certainly more likable than Kotki IMO- even knowing that he limps and was in danger of sleeping in a shop doorway, I felt no sympathy for him.
Hope that doesn’t make me sound like a bad person – but at least I’m an honest bad person if it does
I am naturally affable Tank but I had time for the Jetman
because he was raw, true and honest. He was going through a sort of metamorphosis from a raw yoof to an adult with bad memories and a lot of hangups.
His current conversion to sainthood is the ninth wonder of the modern world.I was drawn to his limp – my father suffered a mystery illness when he was 16 and stayed a month in bed. His leg wasted a bit and shortened slightly over time – he found out he had Polio years later. I used to go to work with him and he deliberately walked in the gutter to strengthen and excercise his weak leg, so I crossed over to dissociate myself from him.
I have a different view of Jetman to you – I think he was up there with the Grandmaster Razeen and was a freak of nature to be wondered at. RAW
Pre dialysis I use to suffer with gout from time to time and would limp
I would dose myself up with painkillers and do an 8 hour shift, light enough work but on my feet alot, get home and do another couple of hours window cleaning.
Nowadays they have time off if they sneeze..
Blackbeard to conquer the World
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